baby steps

I've had a rough 48 hours with lots of crying, anger, confusion & just overall feeling like crap, but I'm doing okay today.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have a wonderfully supportive biological family & what I will call my CT family who have endlessly listened as I probably repeated the same thing over & over again until I started to understand all that was going on.

Thanks again to all those who called and or listened to me!! Slowly one day at a time this is all going to work out . . . no regrets, just a few life bumps (as AI's mom use to tell me, aka learning experiences)

M and his friend "Meli"

So after writing all this nice stuff about M yesterday, I had offered to help him set up a paperless billing with VW online, so I set up a user name for him & they said they were going to send a text message with the password, so when I got home last night after food shopping, M was in the shower & I just grabbed his phone (thinking nothing of it) and looked for the password txt message. To my surprise there were 4 messages from "Meli". I totally lost it. Who the hell is "Meli"? What is their relationship? Infamously a "What if" popped into my head, what if he is dating her & me at the same time?

First off I felt HORRIBLE about going into his phone without his permission, I was not trying to snoop, I just stupidly thought he wouldn't have any txt messages since his took the basic plan without txt messages, I just was trying to get the password, so I could set this all up without his help since he HATES this sort of stuff. (we've know each other for 2 years now & we talk about just about everything, or so I thought . . .)

While I have his phone in hand he walks into the bedroom to grab something & I sputter,
"did you get a txt today with a password?" and hand him the phone.
"Oh yeah, do you need it?"
"Yeah let me get a pen [fumbling around in my purse] I can't do this right now" and I head upstairs because I have heard the phone ring & am 90% sure it is my sister who's on her way over for dinner later. A hands me the phone & some of M's mail & I hastily head back down stairs to our bedroom.

I am shaking uncontrollably - my mind is racing so fast I don't have a clue what I'm even thinking (probably a lot of "what ifs") I quickly jot down, "Who is Meli I'm sorry I looked in your phone but I needed the password & I didn't know how to get it so I opened first message & saw message about you visiting this weekend, I can't even write right now" on a paper, toss it on the bed next to me & throw my face into my hands. The shower water stops, the door opens. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed still with my face in my hands & can barely even cry I am so lost. M sits next to me, rubs my back, "What do you want to say?"
"It's . . . on the . . . paper" He reads it, gets up & gets me a tissue since my nose is now running uncontrollably & I have a few tears welling up in my eyes.

The sequence of the next few events are jumbled but the bottom line is Meli is a girl he met a few months before I came home. He's visited her once before while I was home (weekend after Thanksgiving - after I told him about the pregnancy). And he's going to see her this weekend when he visits his parents. He didn't want to tell me b/c he thought I was going back to London & he's not sure where their relationship is going and he didn't want to stop it till I left. (originally I was only going to be home for a month)

He apologises for not telling me & admits that J knows but that A doesn't. He also tells me his parents know a little bit about her. I now feel like the town idiot. Everyone knew but me & everyone decided to lie about it for him. I'm hurt by this and amazingly not really upset with him. I almost feel relieved that he's dating other people b/c that was what we had agreed on, I guess I just didn't think it was going to be until after I was gone.

• What if he's been sleeping with both of us
• What if I'd not gone back to London - would he have told me then
• What if I'd asked more specifically about other girls - I just assumed I was
• What if he'd told me, would I have let "us" get this close again
• What if I'd found out from someone else

So I'm not sure what else to say, there is a lot of confusion in my head & I'm not ready to hate him & give up on him, which probably complicates things even more. Obviously, M & I need to sit down, talk more about this, and hopefully come up with a solution that we are both happy with or at a minimum we can both live with.

All I know for sure right now is that I still love him & I know he still loves me because at 9.30am he called on his coffee break just to tell me that he loves me.

London-town

So now that I've officially gotten the job in London-town, I'm starting my "what if" lifestyle again . . . .

• what if I can't find a flatmate
• what if I can't find a flat in my price range
• what if I'm in over my head with this job
• what if I loose M since I'll be gone for so long

I'm trying to stay focused & remember that I'm not going to loose all my friends (thanks K (aka AI) for that realization!) from the states. I just wish some times I could turn off my brain, I think at times it over analyses EVERYTHING, including the non-important stuff. At times I feel like I need to learn to take a joke better & not be so super sensitive. I know this might sound surprising to those of you who know me, but either a) as I get older I'm changing or b) I've always been this way & just can put up a good front.

Personally, I think it's a combo of both. M came home last night from soccer & found me asleep (must have fallen asleep while reading in bed.) He made the announcement that we were not going to be kissing anymore . . . WTF . . . his rational: "well since you're leaving we need to get use to not kissing so much" (my brain's translation: M is worried that he's getting too attached & is trying to distance himself slowly so that when I do leave he's not as hurt)

5 minutes later as he climbs into bed he asks for a goodnight kiss . . . WTF . . . you just said no more kissing . . . "that's not what I meant" . . . "you're going to have to explain because I don't understand" . . . to keep a rather long story short . . . I think that my brain's translation was correct - score one for me :)

I know this post so far as been a bit scatter brained, but I'm writing everything as it comes to me, I'm sorry if it's confusing, but I think it's helping me to sort it in my mind - hopefully!!

M is one of those people who I can tell anything & everything to. He makes me feel safe - I know that sounds weird, but for some reason I've been so darn independent for so long that at times I feel a bit lost & with just a wink or touch from him can ground me. On paper we have totally different lives & interests - at times I wonder how or why we ever got together in the first place, but then I recall how I feel when he's around & I just feel great.

My family is not the greatest of fans of M - I guess I can see their concern. He's had a rough up bringing & isn't the doctor or lawyer my dad would have chosen for me. BUT this is my life, not theirs & I have to do what makes me happy, right?!?!? Yes, we've all done something that we're not proud of & we've all made mistakes, some of us more than others, but nobody is perfect (well aside from me - LMAO)

I think one of the things I admire most about M is his honesty with me & his strength! He's the youngest of 4 (1 older sister & 2 older half brothers) his parents got divorced when he was 10. A year later his mom was diagnosed with cancer & had to undergo one of the first 100 bone marrow transplants in the country. Luckily she's survived, but she was in & out of hospitals for a long time & M was raised by his father & step-mom (aka the bitch - everyone calls her that now, so it must be true)

M so badly yearned for attention he would do just about anything, steal from friends & family, skip school, do drugs (pot, ecstasy, cocaine), run away, etc. He has had to deal with getting over an addition to cocaine which could have (& maybe almost did) kill him! I cannot imagine dealing with something like that & to be able to confide in me about all of this is amazing to me.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but he's not had the easiest of lives. Compared to my upbringing it sounds like the scariest of roller coasters (& we all know I can't even do the lil one at PlayLand!) It's just that these things worry me for a long term relationship, now it's been two years (with one of me away in London) & we've been able to remain on & off again - so I think that says something for how we feel about each other.

I know for a fact if I had not been going back to London I would have kept the baby & I'm 110% sure M would have supported me in that decision, it was just "horrible time" not that there is every a "perfect time" - I still "what if" over that a lot too these days . . . I think once I get to London & some of my worries are sorted & I have a job things will get easier - I HOPE!!

Okay, need to get other stuff done today - just needed to get out my "what ifs" for the day