poem of sorts (not really at all)

Since I know I'm rubbish with poems I'm not even going to try to attempt one! Instead I wrote this for M to read - what do you think?

To everyone else he might look like your average Joe, but to me he is so much more. His rough & tough outside appearance is a facade, but not many people know that since it takes a lot to get past the wall he has built up around himself. Once inside, you realise quickly how carefully you must tread for fear of being shoved back outside the protective barrier he holds. He has the greatest smile, which from even a mile away melts my heart. A glance or wink from him has this uncanny ability to make my day turn around when I'm feeling blue. His quiet demeanor is also a protective mechanism he employs to keep others at bay. What ever did I do to deserve the privilege to get inside those walls, I will never know. But, what I do know is that I'm ever so thankful & so badly wish there was a way for me to repay him for the love and support which he has shown me, even after rather harsh things I have thrown in his face during our 2 years of friendship.

I try to live each day without regrets, but I can honestly say I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for the damage I did to him when I first moved away to London. He denies ever being hurt by my comments, but close mutual friends have implied otherwise. I do not regret our time together before or after my year in London. If anything it has only re-enforced the bond that we have. It is hard to explain sometimes, we probably could not be two more different people, yet I think that was what first attracted me to him. I had never wanted to go to college & I had always loved working with my hands & being outdoors - his career is all of that rolled into one and at times I'm jealous of that. He has a brain that can remember just about anything - I mean how many people can name all the nicknames to all the NCAA colleges in the US (well I know of just one other, but he is his mentor). How many people do you know who can do math calculations in their heads faster than I can on a calculator?

His self esteem is a bit low, but he's not had the easiest of times growing up & all things considered is miles ahead of most who have been through what he's been through. He has a fantastic job (which he loves), a good salary, a supportive family, wonderful friends (around the world), and an on-line bank account which gets 5% - I mean what more could you ask for?!?!? He has his feet planted in the ground & has his "shit" together so much so that he is thinking of buying a house. He has a heart of gold & wouldn't hurt a fly, unless of course they were hurting someone he cared about - then watch out because he's very strong.

I think that part that amases me the most is how resilient he is - rock after rock has been thrown at him, he picks himself up every time & with a smile on his face he gets right back into the game. I have a respect for him like I have for no other. In the 3 years I have known him, I am always amased at his positive attitude and ability to see past the little things in life which sets the rest of us back. We all have our "shady" pasts, some of us choose to dwell on them, while he chooses to remember it as a place he wishes not to return and to use it as a learning experience/turning point for his future.

I think he sells himself short a lot of the time, for fear of showing off the true him. I have seen the real him at times and wish I could see it more often. He has\n such potential, if only he could put a bit more trust in himself & step a bit more out of the box he keeps himself well hidden and protected in.

Going out on a limb . . . he has a girlfriend at the moment whom I have not been able to meet. Obviously we have a history so the meeting could be a bit awkward. In speaking with people who have met her - she seems very nice and apparently adores him (but then again who wouldn't?) My only thoughts on the matter are that again he's selling himself short in this relationship. I feel that he likes the idea that it's "easy" - he doesn't have to make a big effort towards the relationship, it's very low maintenance. I feel he knows dating me is "harder" - I expect more from him than just your usual plodding along. With her, he can just drive up to visit for the weekend - play video games, have a meal with the fam, hang out at the local bar & be happy. While on the other hand, I push his comfort zone, I make him step outside that box which he feels so safe in. I ask him to think about the future and push him to his potential more than most. I do not ask a lot in the terms of presents or things like that, but I ask personal questions which aren't always the easiest to talk about. I do not do this to try to be mean, I just think that I see a lot more in him than he sees in himself at times. I in no way am saying this to put him down or try to break them up. I want to be happy & I want him to be happy with whomever that person may be. To be honest, I am still in shock he has not just thrown me to the side. I'm sure he thinks at times that I'm never happy with him because I'm always nagging for more, but that is so far from the truth - I just want him to experience all there is that's out there. I see him being a loving husband & fantastic father, but I also know he carries around a lot of fear associated with that

I guess the reason I feel I need to write this all down is that just about seven months ago, he and I discovered a very life altering thing was happening to us. It was the night before Thanksgiving when I found out I was pregnant with his child. How would he react, should I tell him, does he really need to know, how would it change our relationship, what would he want me to do, would he support me, what do I want to do, why is this happening to us? I'm sure there was a reason for it all, but I could not tell you what that reason is, maybe to bring us to really focus on our relationship or to really test the strength of our friendship . . . I cannot say. What I do know is that his love and support got me through the biggest decision of my life thus far. And to be totally truthful\n there are days when I regret our/my final decision, but I never want to bring a child into this world out of guilt, the child hadn't done anything wrong and deserves to be wanted out of love and not guilt! I will never forget Rifkin Alexander or his father. I hope and pray that we will remain friends for a long time - in whatever capacity we decide. I wish him all the happiness in the world!