The Break Up

The fall was rough for me at college, I was exhausted with all my coursework & I was tired from all the weekend driving down to RI to visit C (I had my own car so I did a lot of driving.)

In October I remember a conversation where we discussed how I did not want to move to RI unless I had a really good job offer. I felt that if I had a good job offer somewhere else that C could move to there & finish school where ever we were. He was going for a B.S. in Physical Education, which I was 90% sure could be found in just about any state in the country. The conversation ended without much else said, but looking back at it I recall being really upset, but I'm not sure why - maybe that should have been a sign for me.

We had decided that Thanksgiving would be at my mom's new house in NY. I had a full week off so I went straight to my mom's when school let out. C was going to drive up Wednesday night after work. I vividly recall him phoning from Lee, MA & asking if I would meet him half way at a hotel because he was really tired. I thought about it but I didn't see the point of me driving down & then us both driving back to my mom's in 2 cars. A few hours later he arrived.

We had turkey day at my mom's with C, my sister, mom, mom's boyfriend & his son. That Friday we went to my mom's boyfriend's house to help him finish taring apart his bathroom so that C & him could re-do the plumbing on Saturday.

That night we were laying in bed talking before falling asleep when C said something along the lines of "taking a break" I burst into tears & I think I cried on & off for the next 2 days. Saturday morning I walked into the kitchen to find mom & my sis wondering why I'd been crying, I tried to deny it but my face was red & puffy from all the tears! That day C & mom's boyfriend fixed his bathroom. C slept on a spare mattress in my bedroom that night & I'm sure I cried most of the night again. I know somewhere along the way I asked "why" and the only answer I have ever gotten was, "you still have a lot of stuff about your parents divorce that you need to deal with before we could ever get married".

There are many "what ifs" I could start to list, but in trying not to rehash a rather old subject, which still is painful at times I'll just list a quick few:

• what if I had offered to move to RI after graduation
• what if I had gone to visit more during the fall
• what if my parents hadn't gotten divorced
• what if my dad wasn't gay