the what ifs of my new job

I was offered what I think is my dream job yesterday (for $6,000/year more than I was expecting) and I so of course I accepted. About an hour later as it was slowly sinking in I started to worry, ya know the "what if" sort of questions I'm famous for started to popped in and out of my head:

• What if I don't like living in London as much as I thought I would
• What if I really loose my friends from the US since I'll be gone for 2-3 years not just a few months like last time
• What if the pay isn't really enough to live on since L'town is uber expensive
• What if I can't afford a flat on my own
• What if the job isn't my "dream job" and I don't like it
• What if I can't find someone to live with
• What if my mom or dad becomes ill - I'll be really far away
• What if I can't sell my car before I go
• What if my suitcase is too heavy for the plane and I have to leave stuff behind
• What if I become ill and have nobody to take care of me

I'm much calmer now about all these "what ifs" mainly due to the fact that I had a cocktail after dinner while watching the UConn basketball game with J. He and I ended up getting really into the game so I wasn't thinking about anything else. Poor A thought she was loosing me to the world of sports when she walked into the living room and all she could see was J and me glued to the telly by candle light (the lights were reflecting in the tv screen.

It was bitter sweet when M got home and I told him. He was excited that I'd finally gotten the job, but knew this meant officially I was going to be leaving. After giving me a hug he said, "I guess this means the count down begins." We didn't talk about it much more as he had a soccer game and needed to shower, eat dinner before get on the road.

This job offer being official did help ease the worrying I'd been doing about if M and my's decision not to have Rifkin right now was the right one. Not that I'm proud of what I did, but it's part of who I am and I can never deny or forget it. BUT for now I know in my heart of hearts now was not the time to try to be pregnant, move to a foreign country, raise a child as a single partent because his father would be 3,000+ miles away for the first 2-3 years.