an unexpected night out!

a bit of a complicated story but think you all can follow it:
My mate Ray (who took over managing the Tup - where we all hang out) after J &J left to travel through SE Asia for 7 months, called tonight to ask if I had his air mattress - low & behold I did! So we made plans to meet at 10pm at the tube station, when I got there I rang him & he realised he was at CF (if you're not familiar with the Northern line tubes, after Camden town the line splits & half goes to Edgeware & half goes to High Barnet . . . he was on the wrong line) So I asked if he had his oyster card, he said no (I'd only grabbed the mattress, my phone & keys) so I offered to meet him at the pub & walk another 20 minutes down to Camden. When I got there he was so appreciative and he bought me a drink. We chatted & had a good laugh. Then the pub was closing & I was all set to walk home, but Ray, Hugo & Logan all insisted I stay a bit longer "upstairs" where we hang out after hours. So I thought, okay I'll stay. After a few games of pool & an entire Arsenal match (replay from last night, which I'd missed) on the telly I finally decided I needed to get home. Again "the boys" insisted I not walk home, but instead get a cab. So they called me a cab & stood outside while I waited. Ray gave me £20 as I had no cash & told me just to bring him the change. 5 minutes and £7 in the taxi I was home safe & sound. I sent him a txt to say I was home & he replied back "thanks a million check my facebook status" so I did & it said, "thanks SO for walking all the way to give me what I needed" - I nearly wet myself reading this cause as you can guess it can be taken in so many different ways . . . so I made my facebook status, "Sara is always willing to bring RV what he needs :-)" cause I thought it would just make people wonder & it made me giggle!!! but now that it's 1.30am & I had my french lesson for 1.5 hours today I need to sleep!!!

Health Status 4 March 2008

weighing 11.8 stone aka 75kg or aka 165lbs

5K aka 3.1 miles speed currently 46minutes 30 seconds

thinking back about all of it

I don't remember missing anything while in CT and off I flew to Madison, WI a year ago. I had 2 days of laughter and testing nearly every coffee shop in the city.

On to Portland, OR I felw. I recall thinking my bobbs were rather sore & that I'd be getting it very soon, but in that same moment wondering if ther was any possibility I could be pregnant and yet again in that some moment thinking noway , not me!

On to Washington, DC for another few days where I don't recall thinking abiut it at all and down to West Palm Beach, where I remember thinking the heat was making me sick to my stomach. But again not thinking I oculod be pregant, yet knowing when clothes shopping that my boobs hurt & clothes felt strange.

Driving down to Key West, I felt car sick, which is strange as normally I'm fine if I'm driving. Got to Key West and again heat made me knackered & slightly not hungry, but heat as the affect so no biggy right? Drank margos and chatted with my dear friend Miss B about moving for my new job & my fresh start with the job.

Somewhere along the way on route one northbound I pulled over to put the top up on teh convertible I'd rented for the week when I felt rather sick & suddenly it hit me, I was probably prgnan.

Still to this day, about a year later me saying that sounds "weird". Me, miss responsible, miss always got ti togheter, miss adventure, miss noboyd's gonna stop me now, me, meiss pregant with a baby & no real father to speak of that's not to say he was unknown, or unsupportive, but our relationship status left much to be desired (aka very unknown).

Flying abck into Bradley, M picked me up and we drove home to A&J's house. We fell right back into our normal routeine, since he had to work the next day. But just before nodding off I spoke up & to be turthful I'm not sure what/how I said it - I slightly, recall me saying I had something timportant I was worried about & during a pause he said are you pregnant. Buf those details maybe incorrect as muchy of these few weeks now seems to be a blur!

I left the following mornign to head to my sis' and get ready for Thanksgiving with my friend PC and his family. On my way to grab a sweater for turkey day, I grabbed a pregnancy test. After eating 1/2 bowl of mach & cheese before feeelings ick, I couldn't wait any longer so I read the instructions & peed on the stick only to watch it instantly got + but I left it the full 5 mins ya know in case . . . same + then as well!

The shock was over whelming - pregnant - who do I call? what do I say? Should I cancel on thanksgiving palns or try to limp through?

I cried myself to sleep that night while watching Grey's Anatomy.

Next morning I called SM and told her & asked for her advice - she offered full support but only had the same 3 options I had come up with already (keep it, give it up, abortion)

Next I called M to tell him the thing I worried about was a reality, now maybe that was unfair to surprise him with teh news on a holiday only hours before he was going to see his family but I needed to hear his voice & his reaction - which was similar to mine disbelife this was happening to us, but that he'd support me whatever I chose.

Is now the right time?

How do you know when the time is right? Are we ever ready for it? Morgages, credit card bills, insurance costs, car payments, taxes, tuition payments, over due loans . . . does it ever stop?

No, so when do you decide the "right time" is?

After the credit card is paid off?
After I graduate from college?
After the summer house is paid off?

You can't time it, even if you tried, extra bils are always piling up. You just have to feel positive in your decision and then go full stead ahead. There will always be days when you wish you hadn't but with suppoer and flove from family & friends you'll always pull thorugh
Just look around people do it every day & they're still "making it".

But if you have any doubt, regrets, or miss placed feelings, feel free to take the alternative route, because in reality people are doing that every day as well and "making it" just the same.
Who are we to say it's right, we're not going to be there at 3am when you're exhuasted, alone & feeling helpess - those are the moments when you need to know you made the best deicsion for YOU, at that moment in time.

intro and chapter 1

The Healing Choice is a book by Candace De Puy and Dana Dovitch (both PhDs) - I'm in the process of reading it & there are a few question sections which I figured I would answer on here - hoping to help others along the way who are in my same situation of confusion about all that has happened over the past few months. It's especially hard over these next few weeks since baby boy would have been born around 7/7/07.

Intro:
1. How do you feel about starting the book?
A bit worried that I'll re-open my feelings about what happened and might regret or feel almost worse at the end of it. I'm hoping not but I am a bit weary right now

2. What do you hope to come away with after?
A better understanding of what I/we went through and a stronger backbone that it was the best decision for me/is at that moment/time, Dec 1, 2006 - I guess just to find peace with myself with the decision in general.

3. Ever kept a journal? What's it like?
Yes I have kept one and I enjoy it - make me feel better to see it on paper and helps to put it all in perspective - sometimes once it's on paper it doesn't seem so bad.

Chapter One:
1. Many people have unresolved feelings and emotions can resurface in many forms, mark the ones you relate the most to:
periods of depression, feeling of pain/anxiety, stress over sexual intimacy, shame, concern about being able to conceive again, fear that it was "meant to be" and I've screwed it up, nervous my higher power will "get back" at me for doing "something wrong"

2. When did you first know?
I figured it all out on my "tour d'America" trip in late October/early November, I think initially while at my mom's house and especially driving to & from Key West while visiting friends & family in Florida, but I kept denying it

3. Did your body tell you (ie sick) or miss it?
Yes, my body told me, loss of appetite, constant semi-nausea, boobs hurt & were swollen, feeling bloated

4. In weeks before what changes occurred?
Felt sick but only real physical change was my boobs were swollen - not really much weight gain, I think it was more water retention

5. When I thought I was pregnant, I felt . . . and When pregnancy was confirmed, I felt . . .
totally confused & scared, happy cause I'd always though about having kids, but sad at the same time. worried about what others would say (I never wanted to be "that girl"), scared it would ruin my career, nervous M would be mad at me or stop speaking to me, sad knowing I probably couldn't be a single mother & start a new job all at the same time - who was going to hire someone who was 3 months pregos? I could hear others saying, "Rasputin always has her shit together, and such a great job opportunity in London" and I didn't want to let those people down.

6. The strongest feeling I felt was . . .
Confusion over what to do was strongest - debating my options - wanting to keep him, but sort of "knowing" it wasn't the "right" decision for us at the time, but again not wanting to be that girl!

7. Looking back at the pregnancy, I now feel . . .
sad that I had to end it and slight relief at same time because I have a great job which I would have lost if he had been born.

8. How did you refer to the foetus at the time?
We said, "the baby" and "it" a lot

9. How do you refer to it now?
Rifkin Alexander, the baby, it, RAW, him

10. Are you comfortable with what was chosen? and What sparked this term/name vs. another?
Yes, the name was given by both M and me, so I like it.

11. Was there a bond with foetus? - describe it.
I guess there probably was some bong, but not a lot & nothing that I could describe

12. Where you guilty if no bond was formed?
nope

13. Have feelings changed over time?
No change in my feelings over a lack of bond - I think for awhile afterwards it made the bond with M & me stronger, but now that I've moved away I'm not sure that bond is lasting.

14. Unresolved feeling with the father:
a) something I never told you . . .
If I'd not had this job offer in London, I would have kept the baby for sure, no doubt in my mind! and if my job had not been so detrimental on a pregnant me I would have kept it. we would have been fantastic parents and I'm sorry it had to end this way.

b) what I want you to know now . . .
I will never forget you or Rifkin and I hope you never forget me/us, but I fear you will with time - I don't want to be remembered as the girl you knocked up all those years ago.

c) this is difficult to write because . . .
I know you are with someone new now & I worry the "us" will never happen again which makes me really sad since I know we have such potential if I weren't so darn scared and could stop running away for jobs etc

d) feels good to write because . . .
I want to tell you this stuff, it's just hard & I know you don't really want to hear it, but I need to get it off my chest so I'm not alone on these issues.

e) most important things I want you to understand are . . .
I want you to know I will always love, respect, and be grateful for your love and support during these insanely strange parts of our lives. I never in a million years wanted to hurt you and I know I did (Sept '05) and would do anything I could to change that period of my life. I just wish we could talk more about RAW, it would make me feel better, but I know you don't like talking about it.

15. Do you have guilt from having no children & do you think a full life requires them?
No to both

16. Reasons for ending pregnancy?
M and me having problems with our own relationship, me moving to London in a few months, my job not allowing pregnant women (I work with infectious diseases), M worried he was not ready to be a father, me having no health insurance and no job (should I have kept RAW)

17. Pregnancy story: (age, living situation, father, discovery of pregnancy, want kids?, relationship with your family & father's family, financial situation, feelings along the way)
I was 28 years old living in A&J's basement with M - we were "just friends" (with benefits obviously) - I was waiting to hear about a job in London and hoping to be moving back asap, but months passed and still the paperwork was a mess! I remember the night RAW was conceived, it was Oct 7, 2006 - it took me another 3 weeks to realise and I confirmed it at 6 weeks, the night before thanksgiving while at my sister's condo in CT, alone! I called M and my good friend S. I spent thanksgiving with a friends' family in Stamford - feeling totally out of it the entire time! I locked myself up in my sis' place after I got home that night & didn't come out till Sunday night. M stopped by on his way to NY Friday, but he didn't say much - he needed to think & get away from it all I think (and go see his new gf). I cried most of the weekend while watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD. I went back to A&J's on Sunday night when M got back from NY - we talked for a bit. By Friday 1 December 2006 it was all said & done. I want children in the future, but just couldn't figure out how it was going to work out "now". My mom and sister know, but M's family, who I have a great relationship with knows NOTHING, still to this day. Finances luckily played no role in our decision - I had full support from M along the way. I had A&J's support as well.

do you ever

feel like everyone expects you to be a certain way, but at times you wonder if you really are that person?

Just the other day someone asked if I wanted to be walked to the metro station & another interrupted quickly to say, "oh we never worry about Rasputin, she can handle herself" . . . this sort of comment makes me feel weird . . . I feel like there is some sort of expectation for me to do everything right & not ask for help and what not. Does that make sense? Note also that everyone left me to walk alone at 11pm at night - not that I can't do it on my own, but didn't anyone think that maybe it would be nice to have someone to walk with?!?!?!

I know I'm an independent person, but that doesn't mean I don't want others around for a hug or pep talk at times. I almost feel like I've put myself on some sort of pedestal. I don't know how to get down & be a normal person. Albeit, I guess I've sorta helped myself get up onto this pedestal thing, but can we make it a bit lower? I'm feeling rather lost up here. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel certain ways & if I do I should keep them to myself - am I making any sense?!?!?!

The few times I've complained to M about things like this he's always said I'm being a baby about things. Now let me get this straight . . . I've moved 3,000+ miles away from my family & friends & so when I want a little sympathy for being homesick, I'm now considered a baby? So instead of pushing the issue I just clam up - not solving my fears in anyway, but avoiding being called another derogatory term.

At the same time I don't ever want to be known as being a baby - one night a few weeks back I was really upset by something that had happened with J, R & me. I ended up crying & the two of them totally freaked since I'm suppose to be this strong independent person who helps others, but who never gets down herself I guess.

since then

not much has happened, I tried to talk to M on Sunday night but he was driving home from his weekend in NY and when he called me back later he was busy watching golf at his best friends A&J's house, so very little privacy for that phone call - we decided to chat on Monday night. I got home early on Monday but was tired & not in the mood to discuss any of it, so I called to apologise for not wanting to talk & we left it at that . . . will let you know if any more happens. In the mean time I might have a date with a guy I met on the bus a few weeks back, we've been chatting on instant messenger & tried to get together last weekend but I already had plans with a family friend. Fingers crossed