intro and chapter 1

The Healing Choice is a book by Candace De Puy and Dana Dovitch (both PhDs) - I'm in the process of reading it & there are a few question sections which I figured I would answer on here - hoping to help others along the way who are in my same situation of confusion about all that has happened over the past few months. It's especially hard over these next few weeks since baby boy would have been born around 7/7/07.

Intro:
1. How do you feel about starting the book?
A bit worried that I'll re-open my feelings about what happened and might regret or feel almost worse at the end of it. I'm hoping not but I am a bit weary right now

2. What do you hope to come away with after?
A better understanding of what I/we went through and a stronger backbone that it was the best decision for me/is at that moment/time, Dec 1, 2006 - I guess just to find peace with myself with the decision in general.

3. Ever kept a journal? What's it like?
Yes I have kept one and I enjoy it - make me feel better to see it on paper and helps to put it all in perspective - sometimes once it's on paper it doesn't seem so bad.

Chapter One:
1. Many people have unresolved feelings and emotions can resurface in many forms, mark the ones you relate the most to:
periods of depression, feeling of pain/anxiety, stress over sexual intimacy, shame, concern about being able to conceive again, fear that it was "meant to be" and I've screwed it up, nervous my higher power will "get back" at me for doing "something wrong"

2. When did you first know?
I figured it all out on my "tour d'America" trip in late October/early November, I think initially while at my mom's house and especially driving to & from Key West while visiting friends & family in Florida, but I kept denying it

3. Did your body tell you (ie sick) or miss it?
Yes, my body told me, loss of appetite, constant semi-nausea, boobs hurt & were swollen, feeling bloated

4. In weeks before what changes occurred?
Felt sick but only real physical change was my boobs were swollen - not really much weight gain, I think it was more water retention

5. When I thought I was pregnant, I felt . . . and When pregnancy was confirmed, I felt . . .
totally confused & scared, happy cause I'd always though about having kids, but sad at the same time. worried about what others would say (I never wanted to be "that girl"), scared it would ruin my career, nervous M would be mad at me or stop speaking to me, sad knowing I probably couldn't be a single mother & start a new job all at the same time - who was going to hire someone who was 3 months pregos? I could hear others saying, "Rasputin always has her shit together, and such a great job opportunity in London" and I didn't want to let those people down.

6. The strongest feeling I felt was . . .
Confusion over what to do was strongest - debating my options - wanting to keep him, but sort of "knowing" it wasn't the "right" decision for us at the time, but again not wanting to be that girl!

7. Looking back at the pregnancy, I now feel . . .
sad that I had to end it and slight relief at same time because I have a great job which I would have lost if he had been born.

8. How did you refer to the foetus at the time?
We said, "the baby" and "it" a lot

9. How do you refer to it now?
Rifkin Alexander, the baby, it, RAW, him

10. Are you comfortable with what was chosen? and What sparked this term/name vs. another?
Yes, the name was given by both M and me, so I like it.

11. Was there a bond with foetus? - describe it.
I guess there probably was some bong, but not a lot & nothing that I could describe

12. Where you guilty if no bond was formed?
nope

13. Have feelings changed over time?
No change in my feelings over a lack of bond - I think for awhile afterwards it made the bond with M & me stronger, but now that I've moved away I'm not sure that bond is lasting.

14. Unresolved feeling with the father:
a) something I never told you . . .
If I'd not had this job offer in London, I would have kept the baby for sure, no doubt in my mind! and if my job had not been so detrimental on a pregnant me I would have kept it. we would have been fantastic parents and I'm sorry it had to end this way.

b) what I want you to know now . . .
I will never forget you or Rifkin and I hope you never forget me/us, but I fear you will with time - I don't want to be remembered as the girl you knocked up all those years ago.

c) this is difficult to write because . . .
I know you are with someone new now & I worry the "us" will never happen again which makes me really sad since I know we have such potential if I weren't so darn scared and could stop running away for jobs etc

d) feels good to write because . . .
I want to tell you this stuff, it's just hard & I know you don't really want to hear it, but I need to get it off my chest so I'm not alone on these issues.

e) most important things I want you to understand are . . .
I want you to know I will always love, respect, and be grateful for your love and support during these insanely strange parts of our lives. I never in a million years wanted to hurt you and I know I did (Sept '05) and would do anything I could to change that period of my life. I just wish we could talk more about RAW, it would make me feel better, but I know you don't like talking about it.

15. Do you have guilt from having no children & do you think a full life requires them?
No to both

16. Reasons for ending pregnancy?
M and me having problems with our own relationship, me moving to London in a few months, my job not allowing pregnant women (I work with infectious diseases), M worried he was not ready to be a father, me having no health insurance and no job (should I have kept RAW)

17. Pregnancy story: (age, living situation, father, discovery of pregnancy, want kids?, relationship with your family & father's family, financial situation, feelings along the way)
I was 28 years old living in A&J's basement with M - we were "just friends" (with benefits obviously) - I was waiting to hear about a job in London and hoping to be moving back asap, but months passed and still the paperwork was a mess! I remember the night RAW was conceived, it was Oct 7, 2006 - it took me another 3 weeks to realise and I confirmed it at 6 weeks, the night before thanksgiving while at my sister's condo in CT, alone! I called M and my good friend S. I spent thanksgiving with a friends' family in Stamford - feeling totally out of it the entire time! I locked myself up in my sis' place after I got home that night & didn't come out till Sunday night. M stopped by on his way to NY Friday, but he didn't say much - he needed to think & get away from it all I think (and go see his new gf). I cried most of the weekend while watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD. I went back to A&J's on Sunday night when M got back from NY - we talked for a bit. By Friday 1 December 2006 it was all said & done. I want children in the future, but just couldn't figure out how it was going to work out "now". My mom and sister know, but M's family, who I have a great relationship with knows NOTHING, still to this day. Finances luckily played no role in our decision - I had full support from M along the way. I had A&J's support as well.

since then

not much has happened, I tried to talk to M on Sunday night but he was driving home from his weekend in NY and when he called me back later he was busy watching golf at his best friends A&J's house, so very little privacy for that phone call - we decided to chat on Monday night. I got home early on Monday but was tired & not in the mood to discuss any of it, so I called to apologise for not wanting to talk & we left it at that . . . will let you know if any more happens. In the mean time I might have a date with a guy I met on the bus a few weeks back, we've been chatting on instant messenger & tried to get together last weekend but I already had plans with a family friend. Fingers crossed

poem of sorts (not really at all)

Since I know I'm rubbish with poems I'm not even going to try to attempt one! Instead I wrote this for M to read - what do you think?

To everyone else he might look like your average Joe, but to me he is so much more. His rough & tough outside appearance is a facade, but not many people know that since it takes a lot to get past the wall he has built up around himself. Once inside, you realise quickly how carefully you must tread for fear of being shoved back outside the protective barrier he holds. He has the greatest smile, which from even a mile away melts my heart. A glance or wink from him has this uncanny ability to make my day turn around when I'm feeling blue. His quiet demeanor is also a protective mechanism he employs to keep others at bay. What ever did I do to deserve the privilege to get inside those walls, I will never know. But, what I do know is that I'm ever so thankful & so badly wish there was a way for me to repay him for the love and support which he has shown me, even after rather harsh things I have thrown in his face during our 2 years of friendship.

I try to live each day without regrets, but I can honestly say I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for the damage I did to him when I first moved away to London. He denies ever being hurt by my comments, but close mutual friends have implied otherwise. I do not regret our time together before or after my year in London. If anything it has only re-enforced the bond that we have. It is hard to explain sometimes, we probably could not be two more different people, yet I think that was what first attracted me to him. I had never wanted to go to college & I had always loved working with my hands & being outdoors - his career is all of that rolled into one and at times I'm jealous of that. He has a brain that can remember just about anything - I mean how many people can name all the nicknames to all the NCAA colleges in the US (well I know of just one other, but he is his mentor). How many people do you know who can do math calculations in their heads faster than I can on a calculator?

His self esteem is a bit low, but he's not had the easiest of times growing up & all things considered is miles ahead of most who have been through what he's been through. He has a fantastic job (which he loves), a good salary, a supportive family, wonderful friends (around the world), and an on-line bank account which gets 5% - I mean what more could you ask for?!?!? He has his feet planted in the ground & has his "shit" together so much so that he is thinking of buying a house. He has a heart of gold & wouldn't hurt a fly, unless of course they were hurting someone he cared about - then watch out because he's very strong.

I think that part that amases me the most is how resilient he is - rock after rock has been thrown at him, he picks himself up every time & with a smile on his face he gets right back into the game. I have a respect for him like I have for no other. In the 3 years I have known him, I am always amased at his positive attitude and ability to see past the little things in life which sets the rest of us back. We all have our "shady" pasts, some of us choose to dwell on them, while he chooses to remember it as a place he wishes not to return and to use it as a learning experience/turning point for his future.

I think he sells himself short a lot of the time, for fear of showing off the true him. I have seen the real him at times and wish I could see it more often. He has\n such potential, if only he could put a bit more trust in himself & step a bit more out of the box he keeps himself well hidden and protected in.

Going out on a limb . . . he has a girlfriend at the moment whom I have not been able to meet. Obviously we have a history so the meeting could be a bit awkward. In speaking with people who have met her - she seems very nice and apparently adores him (but then again who wouldn't?) My only thoughts on the matter are that again he's selling himself short in this relationship. I feel that he likes the idea that it's "easy" - he doesn't have to make a big effort towards the relationship, it's very low maintenance. I feel he knows dating me is "harder" - I expect more from him than just your usual plodding along. With her, he can just drive up to visit for the weekend - play video games, have a meal with the fam, hang out at the local bar & be happy. While on the other hand, I push his comfort zone, I make him step outside that box which he feels so safe in. I ask him to think about the future and push him to his potential more than most. I do not ask a lot in the terms of presents or things like that, but I ask personal questions which aren't always the easiest to talk about. I do not do this to try to be mean, I just think that I see a lot more in him than he sees in himself at times. I in no way am saying this to put him down or try to break them up. I want to be happy & I want him to be happy with whomever that person may be. To be honest, I am still in shock he has not just thrown me to the side. I'm sure he thinks at times that I'm never happy with him because I'm always nagging for more, but that is so far from the truth - I just want him to experience all there is that's out there. I see him being a loving husband & fantastic father, but I also know he carries around a lot of fear associated with that

I guess the reason I feel I need to write this all down is that just about seven months ago, he and I discovered a very life altering thing was happening to us. It was the night before Thanksgiving when I found out I was pregnant with his child. How would he react, should I tell him, does he really need to know, how would it change our relationship, what would he want me to do, would he support me, what do I want to do, why is this happening to us? I'm sure there was a reason for it all, but I could not tell you what that reason is, maybe to bring us to really focus on our relationship or to really test the strength of our friendship . . . I cannot say. What I do know is that his love and support got me through the biggest decision of my life thus far. And to be totally truthful\n there are days when I regret our/my final decision, but I never want to bring a child into this world out of guilt, the child hadn't done anything wrong and deserves to be wanted out of love and not guilt! I will never forget Rifkin Alexander or his father. I hope and pray that we will remain friends for a long time - in whatever capacity we decide. I wish him all the happiness in the world!

starting over

So on Saturday I'm getting a chance to start over. I'm moving far away from M, not because of anything that has gone on, just for a really great job. I'm nervous about it, but I know it's the best thing for me & if I didn't have such a bad cold I'd be even more excited.

M & I have talked quite a bit (well for him it's a lot), in the past month since everything "blew up" and have come to a common ground. I think it is harder for me since he is already dating someone else & I'm not. It would have been hard to try to date someone in the month before I left, knowing that I would be moving so far away.

M & I love each other, but are not in love with each other. We will always have a very special place in our hearts for the other one. And with time my heartache will become less, I know, it's just been a long road.

I couldn't have made it without my friends, especially K! She always has just the right thing to say when you are feeling like the world is out to get you. I've said before that her mom was a brilliant lady with lots of wisdom to share & through emails these past few months with K, I've really missed seeing her smiling face, but I know she is up there looking down on all of us. Thanks Rowfully (nickname I use to call her) I miss & love you - you & your husband did a fantastic job raising your daughter, xxoo

M and his friend "Meli"

So after writing all this nice stuff about M yesterday, I had offered to help him set up a paperless billing with VW online, so I set up a user name for him & they said they were going to send a text message with the password, so when I got home last night after food shopping, M was in the shower & I just grabbed his phone (thinking nothing of it) and looked for the password txt message. To my surprise there were 4 messages from "Meli". I totally lost it. Who the hell is "Meli"? What is their relationship? Infamously a "What if" popped into my head, what if he is dating her & me at the same time?

First off I felt HORRIBLE about going into his phone without his permission, I was not trying to snoop, I just stupidly thought he wouldn't have any txt messages since his took the basic plan without txt messages, I just was trying to get the password, so I could set this all up without his help since he HATES this sort of stuff. (we've know each other for 2 years now & we talk about just about everything, or so I thought . . .)

While I have his phone in hand he walks into the bedroom to grab something & I sputter,
"did you get a txt today with a password?" and hand him the phone.
"Oh yeah, do you need it?"
"Yeah let me get a pen [fumbling around in my purse] I can't do this right now" and I head upstairs because I have heard the phone ring & am 90% sure it is my sister who's on her way over for dinner later. A hands me the phone & some of M's mail & I hastily head back down stairs to our bedroom.

I am shaking uncontrollably - my mind is racing so fast I don't have a clue what I'm even thinking (probably a lot of "what ifs") I quickly jot down, "Who is Meli I'm sorry I looked in your phone but I needed the password & I didn't know how to get it so I opened first message & saw message about you visiting this weekend, I can't even write right now" on a paper, toss it on the bed next to me & throw my face into my hands. The shower water stops, the door opens. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed still with my face in my hands & can barely even cry I am so lost. M sits next to me, rubs my back, "What do you want to say?"
"It's . . . on the . . . paper" He reads it, gets up & gets me a tissue since my nose is now running uncontrollably & I have a few tears welling up in my eyes.

The sequence of the next few events are jumbled but the bottom line is Meli is a girl he met a few months before I came home. He's visited her once before while I was home (weekend after Thanksgiving - after I told him about the pregnancy). And he's going to see her this weekend when he visits his parents. He didn't want to tell me b/c he thought I was going back to London & he's not sure where their relationship is going and he didn't want to stop it till I left. (originally I was only going to be home for a month)

He apologises for not telling me & admits that J knows but that A doesn't. He also tells me his parents know a little bit about her. I now feel like the town idiot. Everyone knew but me & everyone decided to lie about it for him. I'm hurt by this and amazingly not really upset with him. I almost feel relieved that he's dating other people b/c that was what we had agreed on, I guess I just didn't think it was going to be until after I was gone.

• What if he's been sleeping with both of us
• What if I'd not gone back to London - would he have told me then
• What if I'd asked more specifically about other girls - I just assumed I was
• What if he'd told me, would I have let "us" get this close again
• What if I'd found out from someone else

So I'm not sure what else to say, there is a lot of confusion in my head & I'm not ready to hate him & give up on him, which probably complicates things even more. Obviously, M & I need to sit down, talk more about this, and hopefully come up with a solution that we are both happy with or at a minimum we can both live with.

All I know for sure right now is that I still love him & I know he still loves me because at 9.30am he called on his coffee break just to tell me that he loves me.

London-town

So now that I've officially gotten the job in London-town, I'm starting my "what if" lifestyle again . . . .

• what if I can't find a flatmate
• what if I can't find a flat in my price range
• what if I'm in over my head with this job
• what if I loose M since I'll be gone for so long

I'm trying to stay focused & remember that I'm not going to loose all my friends (thanks K (aka AI) for that realization!) from the states. I just wish some times I could turn off my brain, I think at times it over analyses EVERYTHING, including the non-important stuff. At times I feel like I need to learn to take a joke better & not be so super sensitive. I know this might sound surprising to those of you who know me, but either a) as I get older I'm changing or b) I've always been this way & just can put up a good front.

Personally, I think it's a combo of both. M came home last night from soccer & found me asleep (must have fallen asleep while reading in bed.) He made the announcement that we were not going to be kissing anymore . . . WTF . . . his rational: "well since you're leaving we need to get use to not kissing so much" (my brain's translation: M is worried that he's getting too attached & is trying to distance himself slowly so that when I do leave he's not as hurt)

5 minutes later as he climbs into bed he asks for a goodnight kiss . . . WTF . . . you just said no more kissing . . . "that's not what I meant" . . . "you're going to have to explain because I don't understand" . . . to keep a rather long story short . . . I think that my brain's translation was correct - score one for me :)

I know this post so far as been a bit scatter brained, but I'm writing everything as it comes to me, I'm sorry if it's confusing, but I think it's helping me to sort it in my mind - hopefully!!

M is one of those people who I can tell anything & everything to. He makes me feel safe - I know that sounds weird, but for some reason I've been so darn independent for so long that at times I feel a bit lost & with just a wink or touch from him can ground me. On paper we have totally different lives & interests - at times I wonder how or why we ever got together in the first place, but then I recall how I feel when he's around & I just feel great.

My family is not the greatest of fans of M - I guess I can see their concern. He's had a rough up bringing & isn't the doctor or lawyer my dad would have chosen for me. BUT this is my life, not theirs & I have to do what makes me happy, right?!?!? Yes, we've all done something that we're not proud of & we've all made mistakes, some of us more than others, but nobody is perfect (well aside from me - LMAO)

I think one of the things I admire most about M is his honesty with me & his strength! He's the youngest of 4 (1 older sister & 2 older half brothers) his parents got divorced when he was 10. A year later his mom was diagnosed with cancer & had to undergo one of the first 100 bone marrow transplants in the country. Luckily she's survived, but she was in & out of hospitals for a long time & M was raised by his father & step-mom (aka the bitch - everyone calls her that now, so it must be true)

M so badly yearned for attention he would do just about anything, steal from friends & family, skip school, do drugs (pot, ecstasy, cocaine), run away, etc. He has had to deal with getting over an addition to cocaine which could have (& maybe almost did) kill him! I cannot imagine dealing with something like that & to be able to confide in me about all of this is amazing to me.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but he's not had the easiest of lives. Compared to my upbringing it sounds like the scariest of roller coasters (& we all know I can't even do the lil one at PlayLand!) It's just that these things worry me for a long term relationship, now it's been two years (with one of me away in London) & we've been able to remain on & off again - so I think that says something for how we feel about each other.

I know for a fact if I had not been going back to London I would have kept the baby & I'm 110% sure M would have supported me in that decision, it was just "horrible time" not that there is every a "perfect time" - I still "what if" over that a lot too these days . . . I think once I get to London & some of my worries are sorted & I have a job things will get easier - I HOPE!!

Okay, need to get other stuff done today - just needed to get out my "what ifs" for the day

the what ifs of my new job

I was offered what I think is my dream job yesterday (for $6,000/year more than I was expecting) and I so of course I accepted. About an hour later as it was slowly sinking in I started to worry, ya know the "what if" sort of questions I'm famous for started to popped in and out of my head:

• What if I don't like living in London as much as I thought I would
• What if I really loose my friends from the US since I'll be gone for 2-3 years not just a few months like last time
• What if the pay isn't really enough to live on since L'town is uber expensive
• What if I can't afford a flat on my own
• What if the job isn't my "dream job" and I don't like it
• What if I can't find someone to live with
• What if my mom or dad becomes ill - I'll be really far away
• What if I can't sell my car before I go
• What if my suitcase is too heavy for the plane and I have to leave stuff behind
• What if I become ill and have nobody to take care of me

I'm much calmer now about all these "what ifs" mainly due to the fact that I had a cocktail after dinner while watching the UConn basketball game with J. He and I ended up getting really into the game so I wasn't thinking about anything else. Poor A thought she was loosing me to the world of sports when she walked into the living room and all she could see was J and me glued to the telly by candle light (the lights were reflecting in the tv screen.

It was bitter sweet when M got home and I told him. He was excited that I'd finally gotten the job, but knew this meant officially I was going to be leaving. After giving me a hug he said, "I guess this means the count down begins." We didn't talk about it much more as he had a soccer game and needed to shower, eat dinner before get on the road.

This job offer being official did help ease the worrying I'd been doing about if M and my's decision not to have Rifkin right now was the right one. Not that I'm proud of what I did, but it's part of who I am and I can never deny or forget it. BUT for now I know in my heart of hearts now was not the time to try to be pregnant, move to a foreign country, raise a child as a single partent because his father would be 3,000+ miles away for the first 2-3 years.