London-town

So now that I've officially gotten the job in London-town, I'm starting my "what if" lifestyle again . . . .

• what if I can't find a flatmate
• what if I can't find a flat in my price range
• what if I'm in over my head with this job
• what if I loose M since I'll be gone for so long

I'm trying to stay focused & remember that I'm not going to loose all my friends (thanks K (aka AI) for that realization!) from the states. I just wish some times I could turn off my brain, I think at times it over analyses EVERYTHING, including the non-important stuff. At times I feel like I need to learn to take a joke better & not be so super sensitive. I know this might sound surprising to those of you who know me, but either a) as I get older I'm changing or b) I've always been this way & just can put up a good front.

Personally, I think it's a combo of both. M came home last night from soccer & found me asleep (must have fallen asleep while reading in bed.) He made the announcement that we were not going to be kissing anymore . . . WTF . . . his rational: "well since you're leaving we need to get use to not kissing so much" (my brain's translation: M is worried that he's getting too attached & is trying to distance himself slowly so that when I do leave he's not as hurt)

5 minutes later as he climbs into bed he asks for a goodnight kiss . . . WTF . . . you just said no more kissing . . . "that's not what I meant" . . . "you're going to have to explain because I don't understand" . . . to keep a rather long story short . . . I think that my brain's translation was correct - score one for me :)

I know this post so far as been a bit scatter brained, but I'm writing everything as it comes to me, I'm sorry if it's confusing, but I think it's helping me to sort it in my mind - hopefully!!

M is one of those people who I can tell anything & everything to. He makes me feel safe - I know that sounds weird, but for some reason I've been so darn independent for so long that at times I feel a bit lost & with just a wink or touch from him can ground me. On paper we have totally different lives & interests - at times I wonder how or why we ever got together in the first place, but then I recall how I feel when he's around & I just feel great.

My family is not the greatest of fans of M - I guess I can see their concern. He's had a rough up bringing & isn't the doctor or lawyer my dad would have chosen for me. BUT this is my life, not theirs & I have to do what makes me happy, right?!?!? Yes, we've all done something that we're not proud of & we've all made mistakes, some of us more than others, but nobody is perfect (well aside from me - LMAO)

I think one of the things I admire most about M is his honesty with me & his strength! He's the youngest of 4 (1 older sister & 2 older half brothers) his parents got divorced when he was 10. A year later his mom was diagnosed with cancer & had to undergo one of the first 100 bone marrow transplants in the country. Luckily she's survived, but she was in & out of hospitals for a long time & M was raised by his father & step-mom (aka the bitch - everyone calls her that now, so it must be true)

M so badly yearned for attention he would do just about anything, steal from friends & family, skip school, do drugs (pot, ecstasy, cocaine), run away, etc. He has had to deal with getting over an addition to cocaine which could have (& maybe almost did) kill him! I cannot imagine dealing with something like that & to be able to confide in me about all of this is amazing to me.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but he's not had the easiest of lives. Compared to my upbringing it sounds like the scariest of roller coasters (& we all know I can't even do the lil one at PlayLand!) It's just that these things worry me for a long term relationship, now it's been two years (with one of me away in London) & we've been able to remain on & off again - so I think that says something for how we feel about each other.

I know for a fact if I had not been going back to London I would have kept the baby & I'm 110% sure M would have supported me in that decision, it was just "horrible time" not that there is every a "perfect time" - I still "what if" over that a lot too these days . . . I think once I get to London & some of my worries are sorted & I have a job things will get easier - I HOPE!!

Okay, need to get other stuff done today - just needed to get out my "what ifs" for the day