do you ever

feel like everyone expects you to be a certain way, but at times you wonder if you really are that person?

Just the other day someone asked if I wanted to be walked to the metro station & another interrupted quickly to say, "oh we never worry about Rasputin, she can handle herself" . . . this sort of comment makes me feel weird . . . I feel like there is some sort of expectation for me to do everything right & not ask for help and what not. Does that make sense? Note also that everyone left me to walk alone at 11pm at night - not that I can't do it on my own, but didn't anyone think that maybe it would be nice to have someone to walk with?!?!?!

I know I'm an independent person, but that doesn't mean I don't want others around for a hug or pep talk at times. I almost feel like I've put myself on some sort of pedestal. I don't know how to get down & be a normal person. Albeit, I guess I've sorta helped myself get up onto this pedestal thing, but can we make it a bit lower? I'm feeling rather lost up here. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel certain ways & if I do I should keep them to myself - am I making any sense?!?!?!

The few times I've complained to M about things like this he's always said I'm being a baby about things. Now let me get this straight . . . I've moved 3,000+ miles away from my family & friends & so when I want a little sympathy for being homesick, I'm now considered a baby? So instead of pushing the issue I just clam up - not solving my fears in anyway, but avoiding being called another derogatory term.

At the same time I don't ever want to be known as being a baby - one night a few weeks back I was really upset by something that had happened with J, R & me. I ended up crying & the two of them totally freaked since I'm suppose to be this strong independent person who helps others, but who never gets down herself I guess.