The Break Up

The fall was rough for me at college, I was exhausted with all my coursework & I was tired from all the weekend driving down to RI to visit C (I had my own car so I did a lot of driving.)

In October I remember a conversation where we discussed how I did not want to move to RI unless I had a really good job offer. I felt that if I had a good job offer somewhere else that C could move to there & finish school where ever we were. He was going for a B.S. in Physical Education, which I was 90% sure could be found in just about any state in the country. The conversation ended without much else said, but looking back at it I recall being really upset, but I'm not sure why - maybe that should have been a sign for me.

We had decided that Thanksgiving would be at my mom's new house in NY. I had a full week off so I went straight to my mom's when school let out. C was going to drive up Wednesday night after work. I vividly recall him phoning from Lee, MA & asking if I would meet him half way at a hotel because he was really tired. I thought about it but I didn't see the point of me driving down & then us both driving back to my mom's in 2 cars. A few hours later he arrived.

We had turkey day at my mom's with C, my sister, mom, mom's boyfriend & his son. That Friday we went to my mom's boyfriend's house to help him finish taring apart his bathroom so that C & him could re-do the plumbing on Saturday.

That night we were laying in bed talking before falling asleep when C said something along the lines of "taking a break" I burst into tears & I think I cried on & off for the next 2 days. Saturday morning I walked into the kitchen to find mom & my sis wondering why I'd been crying, I tried to deny it but my face was red & puffy from all the tears! That day C & mom's boyfriend fixed his bathroom. C slept on a spare mattress in my bedroom that night & I'm sure I cried most of the night again. I know somewhere along the way I asked "why" and the only answer I have ever gotten was, "you still have a lot of stuff about your parents divorce that you need to deal with before we could ever get married".

There are many "what ifs" I could start to list, but in trying not to rehash a rather old subject, which still is painful at times I'll just list a quick few:

• what if I had offered to move to RI after graduation
• what if I had gone to visit more during the fall
• what if my parents hadn't gotten divorced
• what if my dad wasn't gay

Summer of 2000

My sister & I "moved" to RI the summer after C & I got engaged because our parents were in the middle of a divorce & we wanted nothing to do with that!!

I worked at a horse farm, C worked in a daycare center, P worked at a country club as a waitress. C & I lived in his great-grandmother's house, fixing it up a tid bit so the family could sell it in the fall. P lived with C's parents in C's room.

Everything seemed to be going well - which had been a worry since neither of us had lived together when not at college. We hosted a 4th of July party for all of his family & friends since we were living in Bristol, home of the oldest 4th of July parade in the country (or so they told me).

At the end of the summer I left RI for my final year of college in VT. C stayed in RI continuing to work at the daycare center & doing his military time for the national guard.

Engagement

C & I spent our junior year spring break driving south with the main objective of the vacation being spontaneous & just sort of stop when we felt like it. We left NY and made it all the way down to Whitehall, MD to have a visit with my friend E & her boyfriend. After a few hours we were getting tired so we decided to head towards Baltimore & find a hotel.

What we didn't anticipate was the National Epidemiologist Conference being held in Baltimore, so we drove around from hotel to hotel looking for a single room to no avail. About an hour later we arrived in Washington, DC & finally were able to find a room! We were so exhausted, we crashed before even getting our PJs on. The next morning we went sight seeing to all the hot spots before driving to Virginia for the night. From there we headed back to DC for a bit more of the touristy stuff & then slowly making our way back up north to his parents house in Rhode Island.

On the Sunday morning before I was heading back up to college in Vermont, C was on the phone for a long time & his parents had gone to visit relatives, so I was sitting in the kitchen watching tv. I finally yelled up the stairs that I was going to head out since I still had a 4 hour drive ahead of me & didn't want to be arriving in my dorm at midnight. I went upstairs to use the bathroom before packing my bags in the car.

This next part is all sorta fuzzy in my mind, but somewhere during this time I had my back to C & when I turned around I thought he'd disappeared, but to my surprise he was down on his knee asking me to marry him. Totally OVERWHELMED with surprise I started to cry & some how got, "yes" out while giving him a huge hug. Then we had to call our families.

I will never forget driving down his street staring at my left hand & just getting butterflies in my tummy. After a long drive of which I don't recall a thing, I was in my dorm room showing off my diamond to my roommate, KW & her boyfriend, MV. They were so excited for me, we hardly got any sleep that night.

C and I meet

So if you've read my "whos who" post you would have seen that I have an ex-fiancee named C. Now some of you might be wondering how old I am to have an ex-fiancee & those of you a bit nosier want to know where & when we met, how long did we date, and why did we ever broke up, so here goes the details of us meeting . . . (stay tuned for the other posts)

C & I met in September of 1997, when I was starting my second year of college, but at a new school because I had transferred. We were both in Biology 101 with Dr H every Mon, Wed, Fri from 9-10am. I recall the first time I saw him, I was already sitting in my seat (being the geek that I am I was early). I was watching all the kids as they came into class. In strolled these two really hot guy in BDUs (army fatigues). It looked to me like they were checking out everyone who was sitting down already & when C glanced in my direction I thought he was smiling, though maybe that was just me wishing he would. They walked across the lecutre hall & sat on the opposite side from me, but at about the same level up. I remember pulling on the sleeve of the girl sitting next to me & asking if she knew who he was. It was obvious from his uniform he was a sophmore, but that didn't really help me. I would need to some how find out what his name was, easier than you think, since his last name was on his uniform, but when was I ever going to walk to that side of the room? A few days when by, I only ever saw him in class & I didn't notice him looking around the room anymore so I sorta gave up hope.

I needed a job on campus & one night wandered down to the Admissions office to the phone bank, to see if they had any openings. As luck would have it C & his hot roommate (TK) where already working there. The director gave me a job & found me a seat next to TK. The director had done it stratigically b/c you needed to mix the military & civilian along with male & females in case the person you called had a question you were not able to answer, you could swap phones for a minute or two. The job wasn't great but it paid well considering what we were doing & what could be better than sitting next to two hot guys?!?!?

A week or so went by & I noted that C&TK typically left at 9pm, so around 8.50pm one night I start to flip the papers around & look like I was going to head out. The director came over and asked what I was doing - I explained that I thought I was going to be leaving around 9pm. She sort of giggled & said, I need to talk to you before you leave. TK nudged my arm & said "Now you're in trouble." Worried I was getting fired I stayed on the phone until my normal leaving time of 9.15pm & then slowly found my way to the director's office down the hallway.

Once in the office the director asked if I had a boyfriend. I was totally thrown off guard sort of sputtered for a moment & then sadly admitted I didn't. "Are you looking?" she asked. I replied I wasn't actively looking but if someone asked me on a date I would consider it. She then explained to me that she was trying to hook some of the guys up with nice girls so they would have dates for the upcoming Regimental Ball. Inside my heart was pounding. She asked if there were any guys who I thought I'd be interested in. I'm sure my face turned red & I know I mumbled something like, yeah a few. Realising this approach was not going to work she blurted out that she thought C & TK were really sweet. With a smile grinning from ear to ear, I totally agreed with her! She said I could leave & she'd have a chat with some of the boys.

Understanably, I was very nervous to be heading back to work, since there was a possibility that the director had told C & TK that I thought they were hot. Luckily the next few nights of work went off without a hitch & that Friday night I was sure to get ready to leave by 9pm & walked out a few seconds behind the boys. Looking back they must have known b/c for no good reason at all they were milling around outside the front door as I opended it. I said a quick goodnight, half under my breath, worried they didn't want to be associating with the likes of me. When C piped up, "which dorm are you in?" After my reply, he said, oh we'll walk with you, we live right next door. Them esxourting me back to my dorm went on for a few days. By now there was snow on the ground so I'm guessing it was about early November. One Thursday night, as we were walking past one of the dorms which happen to have a HUGE hill next to it the boys had been running in circles, joking & throwing snow balls at eachother when all of the sudden C grabbed me & threw me down the hill. I was totally unaware this was going to happen, but my instinct was to grab him & not let go so that maybe I wouldn't go. Much to my dismay, it didn't work, we both ended up tumbling down the snowy hill. I had heard TK laughing hysterically as we slowed to a stop but by the time I looked up at him, he'd run away. C helped me up & appologized, it had been a bet for a few nights & he hoped I hadn't minded. At first I was pissed off cause I was cold & had plans to go out that night, but as we stood there alone together I felt a warm fuzzy feeling take over my body. We exchanged numbers & then didn't see eachother for a few days at all. I figured he'd won the bet & was done with me.

I returned home after lab one Friday afternoon to see a note from my roommate, JC, which said, "C called, wants you to call him back at ####. WHO is this boy, is he the hotty from bio class?????" I returned his phone call asap. He had called to ask me to the regi ball, but since it wasn't a date I had saved on my calendar, I had friends coming from outta town that night & wouldn't be able to go. I was uber bummed! Knowing that my roommate was gone for the weekend, I offered that he could come over & watch a movie in my room if he wanted. (I knew I was not allowed in his dorm since it was military.) He agreed & we ended up watched tv & movies in between all of our meals for the entire weekend. (We could not eat meals together, again a military thing.) From that moment on we probably spent every free moment we had, together.

At the end of the semester he announced that he might not be coming back due to money issues (understandable as this private college was NOT cheap!) I was really upset, but knew I couldn't do much about it. I will never forget the night before he left, we were all standing out on the parade field in front of his dorm & one of his rook buddies came over to gave me a big hug and tell me she was so sad to see him go since she hadn't seen him this happy in the 1.5 years she'd known him. We exchanged contact details, but in my heart I figured it was just one of those things you were suppose to do even if you had no intension of staying in touch.

I went back home 2 days later, excited to be home with my family for Christmas and still thinking about C every once in awhile - he called once in the first week I was home. One afternoon my mom called me up to the kitchen saying something about getting a delivery. I figured it was an early Christmas present from my god-mother. To my surprise it was 3 red roses in a clear vase with a note that said, "just wanted to say hi" - no name attached or anything. We asked the delivery service & they said they are not allowed to give out that info. Not knowing anyone else who could have sent me flowers I called C immediately. Before I even had to ask, he said "did they arrive?" My heart melted. He also told me that he'd been able to borrow money from his grandfather and would be returning in January. I'd never been so excited for a vacation to end in my life (I doubt I ever will again either.)

The first few weeks of the spring semester were just like the end of the fall - every waking moment we had we were together - studying, watching movies, and talking. On my birthday (25 Jan) we were talking about "us" since we'd never really put a label on what we were. You know I was asking questions like, "What if my friends want to know who you are? Do I say, just a friend from phone bank or can I say my boyfriend?" He responded with, "Did you just ask me out?" To which I replied, "yeah I guess so, will you be my boyfriend?" So on 25 January 1998, C and I officially started dating.

WOW that was just about 9 years ago, geez time flies, even if it's not all fun - LOL.

the what ifs of my new job

I was offered what I think is my dream job yesterday (for $6,000/year more than I was expecting) and I so of course I accepted. About an hour later as it was slowly sinking in I started to worry, ya know the "what if" sort of questions I'm famous for started to popped in and out of my head:

• What if I don't like living in London as much as I thought I would
• What if I really loose my friends from the US since I'll be gone for 2-3 years not just a few months like last time
• What if the pay isn't really enough to live on since L'town is uber expensive
• What if I can't afford a flat on my own
• What if the job isn't my "dream job" and I don't like it
• What if I can't find someone to live with
• What if my mom or dad becomes ill - I'll be really far away
• What if I can't sell my car before I go
• What if my suitcase is too heavy for the plane and I have to leave stuff behind
• What if I become ill and have nobody to take care of me

I'm much calmer now about all these "what ifs" mainly due to the fact that I had a cocktail after dinner while watching the UConn basketball game with J. He and I ended up getting really into the game so I wasn't thinking about anything else. Poor A thought she was loosing me to the world of sports when she walked into the living room and all she could see was J and me glued to the telly by candle light (the lights were reflecting in the tv screen.

It was bitter sweet when M got home and I told him. He was excited that I'd finally gotten the job, but knew this meant officially I was going to be leaving. After giving me a hug he said, "I guess this means the count down begins." We didn't talk about it much more as he had a soccer game and needed to shower, eat dinner before get on the road.

This job offer being official did help ease the worrying I'd been doing about if M and my's decision not to have Rifkin right now was the right one. Not that I'm proud of what I did, but it's part of who I am and I can never deny or forget it. BUT for now I know in my heart of hearts now was not the time to try to be pregnant, move to a foreign country, raise a child as a single partent because his father would be 3,000+ miles away for the first 2-3 years.

Who's Who in the world of What If

Since these are my personal feelings & views on life, I don't want to give names or actual locations, but here is a mini guide to who's who in my blog, I know it can get confusing!!

M = my on & off again boyfriend from the US
J = my ex-boyfriend from the UK, but we're still stuper close
R = J's best mate, we're super close as well
L = my old flatmate & unimate from London
A & J = friend's of M's who I am currently living with while b/w school & a job
K = bestest friend I've known since 3rd grade
P = my sis
C = my ex-fiancee, we don't keep in touch that much
MT = C's older brother, we're pretty close
MomT & DadT = C's parents, we're still close
SM, ES, PL, KM = friends from my last job in NY

Please drop me a comment if I've posted a name without an explanation, I think I've got them all

What if . . .

you woke up one morning & just couldn't stop crying?

you were told you had 6 months to live?

you suddenly found out you were pregnant?

what if you lost everything in a fire?

There are the sorts of things that pop into my head along with thousands of other what if type questions pertaining to my daily life. This blog is being started so that I can get my thoughts & feeling out of my head to try to help me sort it all out. Please feel free to comment, I want to know how others see my thoughts & feelings, maybe it will help me figure out what I am dealing with.

A wee bit about me

In more detail, should you care to keep reading, I’m an educated, under-appreciated, single woman who finds herself asking “how exactly did I get here?” too often. Trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up when I’ve already got an MSc and am nearly 30 years old is a bit bewildering - you’ve just gotta laugh, if not you run the risk of your head exploding.

We'll start with the negative first, since it's always a good idea to end on a positive note, my turn-offs (in no particular order): Stupidity, indifference, rudeness, bad table manners, dishonesty, being cold, having to paying full price, slow drivers, and sandals worn with socks - hello, who ever thought that was a good style!

On the plus said some of my turn-ons are: A really good book, being right, quiet evening, bubble baths, being told I’m pretty, bargains -even on items I didn't intend on buying, a nice new outfit, clean sheets, kissing, herbal tea, worthy causes, and returning to my flat after a long day at work to find someone has made a homecooked meal for me.