intro and chapter 1

The Healing Choice is a book by Candace De Puy and Dana Dovitch (both PhDs) - I'm in the process of reading it & there are a few question sections which I figured I would answer on here - hoping to help others along the way who are in my same situation of confusion about all that has happened over the past few months. It's especially hard over these next few weeks since baby boy would have been born around 7/7/07.

Intro:
1. How do you feel about starting the book?
A bit worried that I'll re-open my feelings about what happened and might regret or feel almost worse at the end of it. I'm hoping not but I am a bit weary right now

2. What do you hope to come away with after?
A better understanding of what I/we went through and a stronger backbone that it was the best decision for me/is at that moment/time, Dec 1, 2006 - I guess just to find peace with myself with the decision in general.

3. Ever kept a journal? What's it like?
Yes I have kept one and I enjoy it - make me feel better to see it on paper and helps to put it all in perspective - sometimes once it's on paper it doesn't seem so bad.

Chapter One:
1. Many people have unresolved feelings and emotions can resurface in many forms, mark the ones you relate the most to:
periods of depression, feeling of pain/anxiety, stress over sexual intimacy, shame, concern about being able to conceive again, fear that it was "meant to be" and I've screwed it up, nervous my higher power will "get back" at me for doing "something wrong"

2. When did you first know?
I figured it all out on my "tour d'America" trip in late October/early November, I think initially while at my mom's house and especially driving to & from Key West while visiting friends & family in Florida, but I kept denying it

3. Did your body tell you (ie sick) or miss it?
Yes, my body told me, loss of appetite, constant semi-nausea, boobs hurt & were swollen, feeling bloated

4. In weeks before what changes occurred?
Felt sick but only real physical change was my boobs were swollen - not really much weight gain, I think it was more water retention

5. When I thought I was pregnant, I felt . . . and When pregnancy was confirmed, I felt . . .
totally confused & scared, happy cause I'd always though about having kids, but sad at the same time. worried about what others would say (I never wanted to be "that girl"), scared it would ruin my career, nervous M would be mad at me or stop speaking to me, sad knowing I probably couldn't be a single mother & start a new job all at the same time - who was going to hire someone who was 3 months pregos? I could hear others saying, "Rasputin always has her shit together, and such a great job opportunity in London" and I didn't want to let those people down.

6. The strongest feeling I felt was . . .
Confusion over what to do was strongest - debating my options - wanting to keep him, but sort of "knowing" it wasn't the "right" decision for us at the time, but again not wanting to be that girl!

7. Looking back at the pregnancy, I now feel . . .
sad that I had to end it and slight relief at same time because I have a great job which I would have lost if he had been born.

8. How did you refer to the foetus at the time?
We said, "the baby" and "it" a lot

9. How do you refer to it now?
Rifkin Alexander, the baby, it, RAW, him

10. Are you comfortable with what was chosen? and What sparked this term/name vs. another?
Yes, the name was given by both M and me, so I like it.

11. Was there a bond with foetus? - describe it.
I guess there probably was some bong, but not a lot & nothing that I could describe

12. Where you guilty if no bond was formed?
nope

13. Have feelings changed over time?
No change in my feelings over a lack of bond - I think for awhile afterwards it made the bond with M & me stronger, but now that I've moved away I'm not sure that bond is lasting.

14. Unresolved feeling with the father:
a) something I never told you . . .
If I'd not had this job offer in London, I would have kept the baby for sure, no doubt in my mind! and if my job had not been so detrimental on a pregnant me I would have kept it. we would have been fantastic parents and I'm sorry it had to end this way.

b) what I want you to know now . . .
I will never forget you or Rifkin and I hope you never forget me/us, but I fear you will with time - I don't want to be remembered as the girl you knocked up all those years ago.

c) this is difficult to write because . . .
I know you are with someone new now & I worry the "us" will never happen again which makes me really sad since I know we have such potential if I weren't so darn scared and could stop running away for jobs etc

d) feels good to write because . . .
I want to tell you this stuff, it's just hard & I know you don't really want to hear it, but I need to get it off my chest so I'm not alone on these issues.

e) most important things I want you to understand are . . .
I want you to know I will always love, respect, and be grateful for your love and support during these insanely strange parts of our lives. I never in a million years wanted to hurt you and I know I did (Sept '05) and would do anything I could to change that period of my life. I just wish we could talk more about RAW, it would make me feel better, but I know you don't like talking about it.

15. Do you have guilt from having no children & do you think a full life requires them?
No to both

16. Reasons for ending pregnancy?
M and me having problems with our own relationship, me moving to London in a few months, my job not allowing pregnant women (I work with infectious diseases), M worried he was not ready to be a father, me having no health insurance and no job (should I have kept RAW)

17. Pregnancy story: (age, living situation, father, discovery of pregnancy, want kids?, relationship with your family & father's family, financial situation, feelings along the way)
I was 28 years old living in A&J's basement with M - we were "just friends" (with benefits obviously) - I was waiting to hear about a job in London and hoping to be moving back asap, but months passed and still the paperwork was a mess! I remember the night RAW was conceived, it was Oct 7, 2006 - it took me another 3 weeks to realise and I confirmed it at 6 weeks, the night before thanksgiving while at my sister's condo in CT, alone! I called M and my good friend S. I spent thanksgiving with a friends' family in Stamford - feeling totally out of it the entire time! I locked myself up in my sis' place after I got home that night & didn't come out till Sunday night. M stopped by on his way to NY Friday, but he didn't say much - he needed to think & get away from it all I think (and go see his new gf). I cried most of the weekend while watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD. I went back to A&J's on Sunday night when M got back from NY - we talked for a bit. By Friday 1 December 2006 it was all said & done. I want children in the future, but just couldn't figure out how it was going to work out "now". My mom and sister know, but M's family, who I have a great relationship with knows NOTHING, still to this day. Finances luckily played no role in our decision - I had full support from M along the way. I had A&J's support as well.