intro and chapter 1

The Healing Choice is a book by Candace De Puy and Dana Dovitch (both PhDs) - I'm in the process of reading it & there are a few question sections which I figured I would answer on here - hoping to help others along the way who are in my same situation of confusion about all that has happened over the past few months. It's especially hard over these next few weeks since baby boy would have been born around 7/7/07.

Intro:
1. How do you feel about starting the book?
A bit worried that I'll re-open my feelings about what happened and might regret or feel almost worse at the end of it. I'm hoping not but I am a bit weary right now

2. What do you hope to come away with after?
A better understanding of what I/we went through and a stronger backbone that it was the best decision for me/is at that moment/time, Dec 1, 2006 - I guess just to find peace with myself with the decision in general.

3. Ever kept a journal? What's it like?
Yes I have kept one and I enjoy it - make me feel better to see it on paper and helps to put it all in perspective - sometimes once it's on paper it doesn't seem so bad.

Chapter One:
1. Many people have unresolved feelings and emotions can resurface in many forms, mark the ones you relate the most to:
periods of depression, feeling of pain/anxiety, stress over sexual intimacy, shame, concern about being able to conceive again, fear that it was "meant to be" and I've screwed it up, nervous my higher power will "get back" at me for doing "something wrong"

2. When did you first know?
I figured it all out on my "tour d'America" trip in late October/early November, I think initially while at my mom's house and especially driving to & from Key West while visiting friends & family in Florida, but I kept denying it

3. Did your body tell you (ie sick) or miss it?
Yes, my body told me, loss of appetite, constant semi-nausea, boobs hurt & were swollen, feeling bloated

4. In weeks before what changes occurred?
Felt sick but only real physical change was my boobs were swollen - not really much weight gain, I think it was more water retention

5. When I thought I was pregnant, I felt . . . and When pregnancy was confirmed, I felt . . .
totally confused & scared, happy cause I'd always though about having kids, but sad at the same time. worried about what others would say (I never wanted to be "that girl"), scared it would ruin my career, nervous M would be mad at me or stop speaking to me, sad knowing I probably couldn't be a single mother & start a new job all at the same time - who was going to hire someone who was 3 months pregos? I could hear others saying, "Rasputin always has her shit together, and such a great job opportunity in London" and I didn't want to let those people down.

6. The strongest feeling I felt was . . .
Confusion over what to do was strongest - debating my options - wanting to keep him, but sort of "knowing" it wasn't the "right" decision for us at the time, but again not wanting to be that girl!

7. Looking back at the pregnancy, I now feel . . .
sad that I had to end it and slight relief at same time because I have a great job which I would have lost if he had been born.

8. How did you refer to the foetus at the time?
We said, "the baby" and "it" a lot

9. How do you refer to it now?
Rifkin Alexander, the baby, it, RAW, him

10. Are you comfortable with what was chosen? and What sparked this term/name vs. another?
Yes, the name was given by both M and me, so I like it.

11. Was there a bond with foetus? - describe it.
I guess there probably was some bong, but not a lot & nothing that I could describe

12. Where you guilty if no bond was formed?
nope

13. Have feelings changed over time?
No change in my feelings over a lack of bond - I think for awhile afterwards it made the bond with M & me stronger, but now that I've moved away I'm not sure that bond is lasting.

14. Unresolved feeling with the father:
a) something I never told you . . .
If I'd not had this job offer in London, I would have kept the baby for sure, no doubt in my mind! and if my job had not been so detrimental on a pregnant me I would have kept it. we would have been fantastic parents and I'm sorry it had to end this way.

b) what I want you to know now . . .
I will never forget you or Rifkin and I hope you never forget me/us, but I fear you will with time - I don't want to be remembered as the girl you knocked up all those years ago.

c) this is difficult to write because . . .
I know you are with someone new now & I worry the "us" will never happen again which makes me really sad since I know we have such potential if I weren't so darn scared and could stop running away for jobs etc

d) feels good to write because . . .
I want to tell you this stuff, it's just hard & I know you don't really want to hear it, but I need to get it off my chest so I'm not alone on these issues.

e) most important things I want you to understand are . . .
I want you to know I will always love, respect, and be grateful for your love and support during these insanely strange parts of our lives. I never in a million years wanted to hurt you and I know I did (Sept '05) and would do anything I could to change that period of my life. I just wish we could talk more about RAW, it would make me feel better, but I know you don't like talking about it.

15. Do you have guilt from having no children & do you think a full life requires them?
No to both

16. Reasons for ending pregnancy?
M and me having problems with our own relationship, me moving to London in a few months, my job not allowing pregnant women (I work with infectious diseases), M worried he was not ready to be a father, me having no health insurance and no job (should I have kept RAW)

17. Pregnancy story: (age, living situation, father, discovery of pregnancy, want kids?, relationship with your family & father's family, financial situation, feelings along the way)
I was 28 years old living in A&J's basement with M - we were "just friends" (with benefits obviously) - I was waiting to hear about a job in London and hoping to be moving back asap, but months passed and still the paperwork was a mess! I remember the night RAW was conceived, it was Oct 7, 2006 - it took me another 3 weeks to realise and I confirmed it at 6 weeks, the night before thanksgiving while at my sister's condo in CT, alone! I called M and my good friend S. I spent thanksgiving with a friends' family in Stamford - feeling totally out of it the entire time! I locked myself up in my sis' place after I got home that night & didn't come out till Sunday night. M stopped by on his way to NY Friday, but he didn't say much - he needed to think & get away from it all I think (and go see his new gf). I cried most of the weekend while watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD. I went back to A&J's on Sunday night when M got back from NY - we talked for a bit. By Friday 1 December 2006 it was all said & done. I want children in the future, but just couldn't figure out how it was going to work out "now". My mom and sister know, but M's family, who I have a great relationship with knows NOTHING, still to this day. Finances luckily played no role in our decision - I had full support from M along the way. I had A&J's support as well.

do you ever

feel like everyone expects you to be a certain way, but at times you wonder if you really are that person?

Just the other day someone asked if I wanted to be walked to the metro station & another interrupted quickly to say, "oh we never worry about Rasputin, she can handle herself" . . . this sort of comment makes me feel weird . . . I feel like there is some sort of expectation for me to do everything right & not ask for help and what not. Does that make sense? Note also that everyone left me to walk alone at 11pm at night - not that I can't do it on my own, but didn't anyone think that maybe it would be nice to have someone to walk with?!?!?!

I know I'm an independent person, but that doesn't mean I don't want others around for a hug or pep talk at times. I almost feel like I've put myself on some sort of pedestal. I don't know how to get down & be a normal person. Albeit, I guess I've sorta helped myself get up onto this pedestal thing, but can we make it a bit lower? I'm feeling rather lost up here. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel certain ways & if I do I should keep them to myself - am I making any sense?!?!?!

The few times I've complained to M about things like this he's always said I'm being a baby about things. Now let me get this straight . . . I've moved 3,000+ miles away from my family & friends & so when I want a little sympathy for being homesick, I'm now considered a baby? So instead of pushing the issue I just clam up - not solving my fears in anyway, but avoiding being called another derogatory term.

At the same time I don't ever want to be known as being a baby - one night a few weeks back I was really upset by something that had happened with J, R & me. I ended up crying & the two of them totally freaked since I'm suppose to be this strong independent person who helps others, but who never gets down herself I guess.

since then

not much has happened, I tried to talk to M on Sunday night but he was driving home from his weekend in NY and when he called me back later he was busy watching golf at his best friends A&J's house, so very little privacy for that phone call - we decided to chat on Monday night. I got home early on Monday but was tired & not in the mood to discuss any of it, so I called to apologise for not wanting to talk & we left it at that . . . will let you know if any more happens. In the mean time I might have a date with a guy I met on the bus a few weeks back, we've been chatting on instant messenger & tried to get together last weekend but I already had plans with a family friend. Fingers crossed

poem of sorts (not really at all)

Since I know I'm rubbish with poems I'm not even going to try to attempt one! Instead I wrote this for M to read - what do you think?

To everyone else he might look like your average Joe, but to me he is so much more. His rough & tough outside appearance is a facade, but not many people know that since it takes a lot to get past the wall he has built up around himself. Once inside, you realise quickly how carefully you must tread for fear of being shoved back outside the protective barrier he holds. He has the greatest smile, which from even a mile away melts my heart. A glance or wink from him has this uncanny ability to make my day turn around when I'm feeling blue. His quiet demeanor is also a protective mechanism he employs to keep others at bay. What ever did I do to deserve the privilege to get inside those walls, I will never know. But, what I do know is that I'm ever so thankful & so badly wish there was a way for me to repay him for the love and support which he has shown me, even after rather harsh things I have thrown in his face during our 2 years of friendship.

I try to live each day without regrets, but I can honestly say I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for the damage I did to him when I first moved away to London. He denies ever being hurt by my comments, but close mutual friends have implied otherwise. I do not regret our time together before or after my year in London. If anything it has only re-enforced the bond that we have. It is hard to explain sometimes, we probably could not be two more different people, yet I think that was what first attracted me to him. I had never wanted to go to college & I had always loved working with my hands & being outdoors - his career is all of that rolled into one and at times I'm jealous of that. He has a brain that can remember just about anything - I mean how many people can name all the nicknames to all the NCAA colleges in the US (well I know of just one other, but he is his mentor). How many people do you know who can do math calculations in their heads faster than I can on a calculator?

His self esteem is a bit low, but he's not had the easiest of times growing up & all things considered is miles ahead of most who have been through what he's been through. He has a fantastic job (which he loves), a good salary, a supportive family, wonderful friends (around the world), and an on-line bank account which gets 5% - I mean what more could you ask for?!?!? He has his feet planted in the ground & has his "shit" together so much so that he is thinking of buying a house. He has a heart of gold & wouldn't hurt a fly, unless of course they were hurting someone he cared about - then watch out because he's very strong.

I think that part that amases me the most is how resilient he is - rock after rock has been thrown at him, he picks himself up every time & with a smile on his face he gets right back into the game. I have a respect for him like I have for no other. In the 3 years I have known him, I am always amased at his positive attitude and ability to see past the little things in life which sets the rest of us back. We all have our "shady" pasts, some of us choose to dwell on them, while he chooses to remember it as a place he wishes not to return and to use it as a learning experience/turning point for his future.

I think he sells himself short a lot of the time, for fear of showing off the true him. I have seen the real him at times and wish I could see it more often. He has\n such potential, if only he could put a bit more trust in himself & step a bit more out of the box he keeps himself well hidden and protected in.

Going out on a limb . . . he has a girlfriend at the moment whom I have not been able to meet. Obviously we have a history so the meeting could be a bit awkward. In speaking with people who have met her - she seems very nice and apparently adores him (but then again who wouldn't?) My only thoughts on the matter are that again he's selling himself short in this relationship. I feel that he likes the idea that it's "easy" - he doesn't have to make a big effort towards the relationship, it's very low maintenance. I feel he knows dating me is "harder" - I expect more from him than just your usual plodding along. With her, he can just drive up to visit for the weekend - play video games, have a meal with the fam, hang out at the local bar & be happy. While on the other hand, I push his comfort zone, I make him step outside that box which he feels so safe in. I ask him to think about the future and push him to his potential more than most. I do not ask a lot in the terms of presents or things like that, but I ask personal questions which aren't always the easiest to talk about. I do not do this to try to be mean, I just think that I see a lot more in him than he sees in himself at times. I in no way am saying this to put him down or try to break them up. I want to be happy & I want him to be happy with whomever that person may be. To be honest, I am still in shock he has not just thrown me to the side. I'm sure he thinks at times that I'm never happy with him because I'm always nagging for more, but that is so far from the truth - I just want him to experience all there is that's out there. I see him being a loving husband & fantastic father, but I also know he carries around a lot of fear associated with that

I guess the reason I feel I need to write this all down is that just about seven months ago, he and I discovered a very life altering thing was happening to us. It was the night before Thanksgiving when I found out I was pregnant with his child. How would he react, should I tell him, does he really need to know, how would it change our relationship, what would he want me to do, would he support me, what do I want to do, why is this happening to us? I'm sure there was a reason for it all, but I could not tell you what that reason is, maybe to bring us to really focus on our relationship or to really test the strength of our friendship . . . I cannot say. What I do know is that his love and support got me through the biggest decision of my life thus far. And to be totally truthful\n there are days when I regret our/my final decision, but I never want to bring a child into this world out of guilt, the child hadn't done anything wrong and deserves to be wanted out of love and not guilt! I will never forget Rifkin Alexander or his father. I hope and pray that we will remain friends for a long time - in whatever capacity we decide. I wish him all the happiness in the world!