the what if's of life

an unexpected night out!

2008-08-07T19:35:00.002-05:00

a bit of a complicated story but think you all can follow it:
My mate Ray (who took over managing the Tup - where we all hang out) after J &J left to travel through SE Asia for 7 months, called tonight to ask if I had his air mattress - low & behold I did! So we made plans to meet at 10pm at the tube station, when I got there I rang him & he realised he was at CF (if you're not familiar with the Northern line tubes, after Camden town the line splits & half goes to Edgeware & half goes to High Barnet . . . he was on the wrong line) So I asked if he had his oyster card, he said no (I'd only grabbed the mattress, my phone & keys) so I offered to meet him at the pub & walk another 20 minutes down to Camden. When I got there he was so appreciative and he bought me a drink. We chatted & had a good laugh. Then the pub was closing & I was all set to walk home, but Ray, Hugo & Logan all insisted I stay a bit longer "upstairs" where we hang out after hours. So I thought, okay I'll stay. After a few games of pool & an entire Arsenal match (replay from last night, which I'd missed) on the telly I finally decided I needed to get home. Again "the boys" insisted I not walk home, but instead get a cab. So they called me a cab & stood outside while I waited. Ray gave me £20 as I had no cash & told me just to bring him the change. 5 minutes and £7 in the taxi I was home safe & sound. I sent him a txt to say I was home & he replied back "thanks a million check my facebook status" so I did & it said, "thanks SO for walking all the way to give me what I needed" - I nearly wet myself reading this cause as you can guess it can be taken in so many different ways . . . so I made my facebook status, "Sara is always willing to bring RV what he needs :-)" cause I thought it would just make people wonder & it made me giggle!!! but now that it's 1.30am & I had my french lesson for 1.5 hours today I need to sleep!!!

Health Status 4 March 2008

2008-03-04T16:53:00.002-05:00

weighing 11.8 stone aka 75kg or aka 165lbs

5K aka 3.1 miles speed currently 46minutes 30 seconds

thinking back about all of it

2008-02-03T08:25:00.001-05:00

I don't remember missing anything while in CT and off I flew to Madison, WI a year ago. I had 2 days of laughter and testing nearly every coffee shop in the city.

On to Portland, OR I felw. I recall thinking my bobbs were rather sore & that I'd be getting it very soon, but in that same moment wondering if ther was any possibility I could be pregnant and yet again in that some moment thinking noway , not me!

On to Washington, DC for another few days where I don't recall thinking abiut it at all and down to West Palm Beach, where I remember thinking the heat was making me sick to my stomach. But again not thinking I oculod be pregant, yet knowing when clothes shopping that my boobs hurt & clothes felt strange.

Driving down to Key West, I felt car sick, which is strange as normally I'm fine if I'm driving. Got to Key West and again heat made me knackered & slightly not hungry, but heat as the affect so no biggy right? Drank margos and chatted with my dear friend Miss B about moving for my new job & my fresh start with the job.

Somewhere along the way on route one northbound I pulled over to put the top up on teh convertible I'd rented for the week when I felt rather sick & suddenly it hit me, I was probably prgnan.

Still to this day, about a year later me saying that sounds "weird". Me, miss responsible, miss always got ti togheter, miss adventure, miss noboyd's gonna stop me now, me, meiss pregant with a baby & no real father to speak of that's not to say he was unknown, or unsupportive, but our relationship status left much to be desired (aka very unknown).

Flying abck into Bradley, M picked me up and we drove home to A&J's house. We fell right back into our normal routeine, since he had to work the next day. But just before nodding off I spoke up & to be turthful I'm not sure what/how I said it - I slightly, recall me saying I had something timportant I was worried about & during a pause he said are you pregnant. Buf those details maybe incorrect as muchy of these few weeks now seems to be a blur!

I left the following mornign to head to my sis' and get ready for Thanksgiving with my friend PC and his family. On my way to grab a sweater for turkey day, I grabbed a pregnancy test. After eating 1/2 bowl of mach & cheese before feeelings ick, I couldn't wait any longer so I read the instructions & peed on the stick only to watch it instantly got + but I left it the full 5 mins ya know in case . . . same + then as well!

The shock was over whelming - pregnant - who do I call? what do I say? Should I cancel on thanksgiving palns or try to limp through?

I cried myself to sleep that night while watching Grey's Anatomy.

Next morning I called SM and told her & asked for her advice - she offered full support but only had the same 3 options I had come up with already (keep it, give it up, abortion)

Next I called M to tell him the thing I worried about was a reality, now maybe that was unfair to surprise him with teh news on a holiday only hours before he was going to see his family but I needed to hear his voice & his reaction - which was similar to mine disbelife this was happening to us, but that he'd support me whatever I chose.

Is now the right time?

2008-02-03T08:17:00.000-05:00

How do you know when the time is right? Are we ever ready for it? Morgages, credit card bills, insurance costs, car payments, taxes, tuition payments, over due loans . . . does it ever stop?

No, so when do you decide the "right time" is?

After the credit card is paid off?
After I graduate from college?
After the summer house is paid off?

You can't time it, even if you tried, extra bils are always piling up. You just have to feel positive in your decision and then go full stead ahead. There will always be days when you wish you hadn't but with suppoer and flove from family & friends you'll always pull thorugh
Just look around people do it every day & they're still "making it".

But if you have any doubt, regrets, or miss placed feelings, feel free to take the alternative route, because in reality people are doing that every day as well and "making it" just the same.
Who are we to say it's right, we're not going to be there at 3am when you're exhuasted, alone & feeling helpess - those are the moments when you need to know you made the best deicsion for YOU, at that moment in time.

intro and chapter 1

2007-06-21T16:04:00.000-05:00

The Healing Choice is a book by Candace De Puy and Dana Dovitch (both PhDs) - I'm in the process of reading it & there are a few question sections which I figured I would answer on here - hoping to help others along the way who are in my same situation of confusion about all that has happened over the past few months. It's especially hard over these next few weeks since baby boy would have been born around 7/7/07.

Intro:
1. How do you feel about starting the book?
A bit worried that I'll re-open my feelings about what happened and might regret or feel almost worse at the end of it. I'm hoping not but I am a bit weary right now

2. What do you hope to come away with after?
A better understanding of what I/we went through and a stronger backbone that it was the best decision for me/is at that moment/time, Dec 1, 2006 - I guess just to find peace with myself with the decision in general.

3. Ever kept a journal? What's it like?
Yes I have kept one and I enjoy it - make me feel better to see it on paper and helps to put it all in perspective - sometimes once it's on paper it doesn't seem so bad.

Chapter One:
1. Many people have unresolved feelings and emotions can resurface in many forms, mark the ones you relate the most to:
periods of depression, feeling of pain/anxiety, stress over sexual intimacy, shame, concern about being able to conceive again, fear that it was "meant to be" and I've screwed it up, nervous my higher power will "get back" at me for doing "something wrong"

2. When did you first know?
I figured it all out on my "tour d'America" trip in late October/early November, I think initially while at my mom's house and especially driving to & from Key West while visiting friends & family in Florida, but I kept denying it

3. Did your body tell you (ie sick) or miss it?
Yes, my body told me, loss of appetite, constant semi-nausea, boobs hurt & were swollen, feeling bloated

4. In weeks before what changes occurred?
Felt sick but only real physical change was my boobs were swollen - not really much weight gain, I think it was more water retention

5. When I thought I was pregnant, I felt . . . and When pregnancy was confirmed, I felt . . .
totally confused & scared, happy cause I'd always though about having kids, but sad at the same time. worried about what others would say (I never wanted to be "that girl"), scared it would ruin my career, nervous M would be mad at me or stop speaking to me, sad knowing I probably couldn't be a single mother & start a new job all at the same time - who was going to hire someone who was 3 months pregos? I could hear others saying, "Rasputin always has her shit together, and such a great job opportunity in London" and I didn't want to let those people down.

6. The strongest feeling I felt was . . .
Confusion over what to do was strongest - debating my options - wanting to keep him, but sort of "knowing" it wasn't the "right" decision for us at the time, but again not wanting to be that girl!

7. Looking back at the pregnancy, I now feel . . .
sad that I had to end it and slight relief at same time because I have a great job which I would have lost if he had been born.

8. How did you refer to the foetus at the time?
We said, "the baby" and "it" a lot

9. How do you refer to it now?
Rifkin Alexander, the baby, it, RAW, him

10. Are you comfortable with what was chosen? and What sparked this term/name vs. another?
Yes, the name was given by both M and me, so I like it.

11. Was there a bond with foetus? - describe it.
I guess there probably was some bong, but not a lot & nothing that I could describe

12. Where you guilty if no bond was formed?
nope

13. Have feelings changed over time?
No change in my feelings over a lack of bond - I think for awhile afterwards it made the bond with M & me stronger, but now that I've moved away I'm not sure that bond is lasting.

14. Unresolved feeling with the father:
a) something I never told you . . .
If I'd not had this job offer in London, I would have kept the baby for sure, no doubt in my mind! and if my job had not been so detrimental on a pregnant me I would have kept it. we would have been fantastic parents and I'm sorry it had to end this way.

b) what I want you to know now . . .
I will never forget you or Rifkin and I hope you never forget me/us, but I fear you will with time - I don't want to be remembered as the girl you knocked up all those years ago.

c) this is difficult to write because . . .
I know you are with someone new now & I worry the "us" will never happen again which makes me really sad since I know we have such potential if I weren't so darn scared and could stop running away for jobs etc

d) feels good to write because . . .
I want to tell you this stuff, it's just hard & I know you don't really want to hear it, but I need to get it off my chest so I'm not alone on these issues.

e) most important things I want you to understand are . . .
I want you to know I will always love, respect, and be grateful for your love and support during these insanely strange parts of our lives. I never in a million years wanted to hurt you and I know I did (Sept '05) and would do anything I could to change that period of my life. I just wish we could talk more about RAW, it would make me feel better, but I know you don't like talking about it.

15. Do you have guilt from having no children & do you think a full life requires them?
No to both

16. Reasons for ending pregnancy?
M and me having problems with our own relationship, me moving to London in a few months, my job not allowing pregnant women (I work with infectious diseases), M worried he was not ready to be a father, me having no health insurance and no job (should I have kept RAW)

17. Pregnancy story: (age, living situation, father, discovery of pregnancy, want kids?, relationship with your family & father's family, financial situation, feelings along the way)
I was 28 years old living in A&J's basement with M - we were "just friends" (with benefits obviously) - I was waiting to hear about a job in London and hoping to be moving back asap, but months passed and still the paperwork was a mess! I remember the night RAW was conceived, it was Oct 7, 2006 - it took me another 3 weeks to realise and I confirmed it at 6 weeks, the night before thanksgiving while at my sister's condo in CT, alone! I called M and my good friend S. I spent thanksgiving with a friends' family in Stamford - feeling totally out of it the entire time! I locked myself up in my sis' place after I got home that night & didn't come out till Sunday night. M stopped by on his way to NY Friday, but he didn't say much - he needed to think & get away from it all I think (and go see his new gf). I cried most of the weekend while watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD. I went back to A&J's on Sunday night when M got back from NY - we talked for a bit. By Friday 1 December 2006 it was all said & done. I want children in the future, but just couldn't figure out how it was going to work out "now". My mom and sister know, but M's family, who I have a great relationship with knows NOTHING, still to this day. Finances luckily played no role in our decision - I had full support from M along the way. I had A&J's support as well.

do you ever

2007-06-21T07:46:00.000-05:00

feel like everyone expects you to be a certain way, but at times you wonder if you really are that person?

Just the other day someone asked if I wanted to be walked to the metro station & another interrupted quickly to say, "oh we never worry about Rasputin, she can handle herself" . . . this sort of comment makes me feel weird . . . I feel like there is some sort of expectation for me to do everything right & not ask for help and what not. Does that make sense? Note also that everyone left me to walk alone at 11pm at night - not that I can't do it on my own, but didn't anyone think that maybe it would be nice to have someone to walk with?!?!?!

I know I'm an independent person, but that doesn't mean I don't want others around for a hug or pep talk at times. I almost feel like I've put myself on some sort of pedestal. I don't know how to get down & be a normal person. Albeit, I guess I've sorta helped myself get up onto this pedestal thing, but can we make it a bit lower? I'm feeling rather lost up here. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel certain ways & if I do I should keep them to myself - am I making any sense?!?!?!

The few times I've complained to M about things like this he's always said I'm being a baby about things. Now let me get this straight . . . I've moved 3,000+ miles away from my family & friends & so when I want a little sympathy for being homesick, I'm now considered a baby? So instead of pushing the issue I just clam up - not solving my fears in anyway, but avoiding being called another derogatory term.

At the same time I don't ever want to be known as being a baby - one night a few weeks back I was really upset by something that had happened with J, R & me. I ended up crying & the two of them totally freaked since I'm suppose to be this strong independent person who helps others, but who never gets down herself I guess.

since then

2007-06-20T07:43:00.000-05:00

not much has happened, I tried to talk to M on Sunday night but he was driving home from his weekend in NY and when he called me back later he was busy watching golf at his best friends A&J's house, so very little privacy for that phone call - we decided to chat on Monday night. I got home early on Monday but was tired & not in the mood to discuss any of it, so I called to apologise for not wanting to talk & we left it at that . . . will let you know if any more happens. In the mean time I might have a date with a guy I met on the bus a few weeks back, we've been chatting on instant messenger & tried to get together last weekend but I already had plans with a family friend. Fingers crossed

poem of sorts (not really at all)

2007-06-16T06:12:00.000-05:00

Since I know I'm rubbish with poems I'm not even going to try to attempt one! Instead I wrote this for M to read - what do you think?

To everyone else he might look like your average Joe, but to me he is so much more. His rough & tough outside appearance is a facade, but not many people know that since it takes a lot to get past the wall he has built up around himself. Once inside, you realise quickly how carefully you must tread for fear of being shoved back outside the protective barrier he holds. He has the greatest smile, which from even a mile away melts my heart. A glance or wink from him has this uncanny ability to make my day turn around when I'm feeling blue. His quiet demeanor is also a protective mechanism he employs to keep others at bay. What ever did I do to deserve the privilege to get inside those walls, I will never know. But, what I do know is that I'm ever so thankful & so badly wish there was a way for me to repay him for the love and support which he has shown me, even after rather harsh things I have thrown in his face during our 2 years of friendship.

I try to live each day without regrets, but I can honestly say I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for the damage I did to him when I first moved away to London. He denies ever being hurt by my comments, but close mutual friends have implied otherwise. I do not regret our time together before or after my year in London. If anything it has only re-enforced the bond that we have. It is hard to explain sometimes, we probably could not be two more different people, yet I think that was what first attracted me to him. I had never wanted to go to college & I had always loved working with my hands & being outdoors - his career is all of that rolled into one and at times I'm jealous of that. He has a brain that can remember just about anything - I mean how many people can name all the nicknames to all the NCAA colleges in the US (well I know of just one other, but he is his mentor). How many people do you know who can do math calculations in their heads faster than I can on a calculator?

His self esteem is a bit low, but he's not had the easiest of times growing up & all things considered is miles ahead of most who have been through what he's been through. He has a fantastic job (which he loves), a good salary, a supportive family, wonderful friends (around the world), and an on-line bank account which gets 5% - I mean what more could you ask for?!?!? He has his feet planted in the ground & has his "shit" together so much so that he is thinking of buying a house. He has a heart of gold & wouldn't hurt a fly, unless of course they were hurting someone he cared about - then watch out because he's very strong.

I think that part that amases me the most is how resilient he is - rock after rock has been thrown at him, he picks himself up every time & with a smile on his face he gets right back into the game. I have a respect for him like I have for no other. In the 3 years I have known him, I am always amased at his positive attitude and ability to see past the little things in life which sets the rest of us back. We all have our "shady" pasts, some of us choose to dwell on them, while he chooses to remember it as a place he wishes not to return and to use it as a learning experience/turning point for his future.

I think he sells himself short a lot of the time, for fear of showing off the true him. I have seen the real him at times and wish I could see it more often. He has\n such potential, if only he could put a bit more trust in himself & step a bit more out of the box he keeps himself well hidden and protected in.

Going out on a limb . . . he has a girlfriend at the moment whom I have not been able to meet. Obviously we have a history so the meeting could be a bit awkward. In speaking with people who have met her - she seems very nice and apparently adores him (but then again who wouldn't?) My only thoughts on the matter are that again he's selling himself short in this relationship. I feel that he likes the idea that it's "easy" - he doesn't have to make a big effort towards the relationship, it's very low maintenance. I feel he knows dating me is "harder" - I expect more from him than just your usual plodding along. With her, he can just drive up to visit for the weekend - play video games, have a meal with the fam, hang out at the local bar & be happy. While on the other hand, I push his comfort zone, I make him step outside that box which he feels so safe in. I ask him to think about the future and push him to his potential more than most. I do not ask a lot in the terms of presents or things like that, but I ask personal questions which aren't always the easiest to talk about. I do not do this to try to be mean, I just think that I see a lot more in him than he sees in himself at times. I in no way am saying this to put him down or try to break them up. I want to be happy & I want him to be happy with whomever that person may be. To be honest, I am still in shock he has not just thrown me to the side. I'm sure he thinks at times that I'm never happy with him because I'm always nagging for more, but that is so far from the truth - I just want him to experience all there is that's out there. I see him being a loving husband & fantastic father, but I also know he carries around a lot of fear associated with that

I guess the reason I feel I need to write this all down is that just about seven months ago, he and I discovered a very life altering thing was happening to us. It was the night before Thanksgiving when I found out I was pregnant with his child. How would he react, should I tell him, does he really need to know, how would it change our relationship, what would he want me to do, would he support me, what do I want to do, why is this happening to us? I'm sure there was a reason for it all, but I could not tell you what that reason is, maybe to bring us to really focus on our relationship or to really test the strength of our friendship . . . I cannot say. What I do know is that his love and support got me through the biggest decision of my life thus far. And to be totally truthful\n there are days when I regret our/my final decision, but I never want to bring a child into this world out of guilt, the child hadn't done anything wrong and deserves to be wanted out of love and not guilt! I will never forget Rifkin Alexander or his father. I hope and pray that we will remain friends for a long time - in whatever capacity we decide. I wish him all the happiness in the world!

Monday Confession

2007-05-21T09:29:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make - don't worry nothing really bad - I just need to get this off my chest . . . sooooo yesterday J, R, Ni (a Norwich student who's visiting & who I've sorta had to take under my wing for the time she's here b/c she's young/naive & was having a hard time here alone) and I were suppose to meet up last night for dinner - the boys were running late since they were coming from a rugby match, so we decided to meet up at a pub more centrally located. I think I knew this was a bad decision, since pubs = drinking more than eating & it was a Sunday night, but I wanted Ni to have a good time & she was really keen on the idea.

So after my long day of not really eating anything aside from strawberries & kiwis and 2 pieces of brown bread (that's what they call whole wheat - LOL) I started drinking cider (my fav drink). As you can guess since I can't recall the last time I drank any more than 1 glass of wine, after having 3 pints I was a bit tipsy! We decided to switch pubs, another pint of cider in me & I was ready for bed (to say the least). At 12.30am I finally said to J, I need to go home. We found Ni & R on the dance floor (making out btw) and told them we were leaving, they decided to come with us. Along the way J stopped off to get some McD's cause he was a bit peckish (hungry). While waiting for the bus J got impatient & just hailed a cab (very expensive way to travel) and we rode home in that (for a total of $60 - luckily I didn't have to pay for that!!!)

To back up for a second, the reason I'm staying at J&R's is that my flatmate's mum is here for the week & I offered them by bed & was going to stay on the couch. So around 1.30am lil miss drunk me got her pjs on, brushed her teeth, got a glass of water, & some how ended up in J's bed . . . we talked for a LONG time and did some other stuff & finally at 4am went to bed.

This morning when I left I apologized for being tipsy & promised I'd sleep on the couch tonight - J said "no way, you're staying here in my bed".

I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing - what am I thinking? Is this a good idea?!?!?!? Okay I really have to get back to work, but I wanted to post my Monday confessional.

Hope you had a good weekend!!!

40 odd meme

2007-05-03T15:15:00.000-05:00

1) You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
I guess no one. They all get what’s coming to them in the end.

2) You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
I’m very musically tolerant, but I would get rid of ALL opera music!!!!!!!.

3) Who would you really just like to punch in the face?
No one at the moment, but there are times when I think that punching Rob would be fun!

4) What is your favorite cheese?
Feta or goat, it's a toss up.

5) You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
this changes often, but at the moment it's tuna mayonaise with salad (tomaote, cucumber, lettuce, onion).

6) You, Elvis, and Princess Diana are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wasteland with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?
Elvis because he’s not a good singer - maybe I should have wiped him out of exsistence back in question #2.

7) You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no strings attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity?
No real desire to have no strings attached sex with a movie star - sorry I'm boring I guess.

8) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
See above.

9) Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a one hundred dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy Shit. How are you gonna spend it?
Well that's not gonna get me very far here in London, but £50 would get me a nice dinner!

10) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
New Zealand for sure to visit my godfather's family!

11) Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another one hundred dollar bill. Now that you are in a new location, what are you gonna do?
Well it will last much longer, so I'd probably go scuba diving!

12) Your dream date. Who, where, and why?
not sure who, but a roof top terrace over looking a gorgeous landscape would be wonderful.

13) An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is?
Magner's Cider hand down!

14) Okay, girls and gay guys stand over here, guys and lesbians, over there. Girls and gay guys first: You’re in bed with Marilyn, Monroe, Doris Day, and Salma Hayek. Who’s gonna be the lucky girl? And similarily, guys and lesbians: You’re in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman, and Johnny Depp. Who’s gonna be the lucky guy? Give your reasons.
Salma Hayek is gorgeous.

15) Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time traveling/phone booth. you can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I would go back to before my friend Karen killed herself & try to convince her not to go through with it.

16) You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule that you put into place?
No time - no clocks, watches etc - so you can never be late!

17) You have been given the opportunity to create the half hour TV show of your dreams. What is it called and what is it’s premise?
No clue, sorry, not in a creative mood right now

18) What is your favorite curse word?
"F*** Off" - just ask J I say it all the time to him (poor boy)

19) You have a choice of two doors. One of which you MUST go through. The first leads to a roomful of spiders, the second to a roomful of clowns. Which is it to be?
Clowns for sure.

20) Your house is on fire. You have just enough time to run in there and grab one inanimate object. So what’s the item?
Photo albums, since my fireproof safe will not be effected :).

21) One night, you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by mummies. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Scream bloody murder & hope someone comes to save me!22) You have George W.Bush and Osama bin Laden locked in a small room together. It’s airtight, so both are gonna suffocate anyway, but what amusing weapon do you give them?
Water guns for sure - they are so much fun!!!

23) The angel of death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the angel of death is pretty cool and in a good mood and it offers you a half hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. What are you going to do in that half hour?
Find J & talk to him face to face & then call my family & M in the states.

24) Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?
purple pokodoted ones.

25)You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice. What is it going to be?
To fly!

26) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time span can only be a half hour, though. What half hour of your past would you like to experience again?
The ride to the airport when M brought me this past March - we had such a cool converstaion.

27) Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment 11 is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?
Thou shall be OPEN minded on all subject!!!!!

28) You can erase any horrible experience of your past. What will it be?
I’ve really learned from my most horrible experience, which was this past fall with Matt & the baby, but I too don’t want to erase that. I just don’t want to repeat it.

29) Rufus reappears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who’s gonna get it?
I'm grabbing the pie & sharing it with the lab - LOL

30) You get kicked out of the country for being a time traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super powers. But, you can move to anywhere else in the world. What country are you going to live in now?
I reckon I'd go to Costa Rica & learn Spanish.

31) What part of your body would you change and why?
I’ve always wanted better abs.

32) You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it going to be?
Camden Tup - couldn't live without my local!

33) What’s the last thing you ate?
thai green curry chicken on a small brown roll

34) Suddenly you have gained the power to float. Who are you going to show this to first?
I'd float to America & surprise everyone I know over there

35) The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radio-active vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the power to resurrect the dead celebrity of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
River Phoenix

36) The celestial gates of Beyond have opened. Much to your surprise, Death appears. As it turns out, once again, Death is actually a pretty cool entity and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family member/person of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
My friend Karen from HS

37) What’s your theme song?
Suddenly I See by K.T. Tunstall - LOVE IT!!!!

38) When did you last have sex?
I don't want to answer this question as it's been too long & I think I could have gotten some on Friday night if I'd been a bit more "with it"

39) Buffy, Willow, or Xander?
no clue.

40) Who’s up next? You are, so get to it! Pretty please.

2007-05-03T08:28:00.000-05:00

So Friday after work I was rather knackered, but just before leaving the office I checked my phone & there was a txt message from R saying he was just round the corner & did I fancy meeting up for some dinner. To be honest I thought about it for awhile before I decided, well I have to eat, so I may as well grab a bit to eat before going home. We found a Thai place a few blocks away & had a great meal. Of course when that was done he wanted to go to the pub for a few drinks - not being super keen on the idea, I thought I'd go for one, just to be social, but then I'd slip away & head home. So we walked north for about 30 minutes and headed into the Tup (his local pub). He ordered our usual, Corona for him & Sprite for me. While we were chit-chatting with the staff (as we know them all pretty well) I was sitting on the bar stool with my back to the door & felt this sudden jolt as if someone was trying to push me off the stool, at the same time I heard, "jeez you let anyone in these days, even the damn yanks" followed by hysterical laughter from all around us. It was J who has just popped in after a long day of watching the telly (rough life huh?!?!?!)
As I'm sure I've explained before drinks are bought in rounds so as more people show up it's harder & harder to leave b/c either drinks are being bough for you or you have to buy for the new comers . . . so I didn't leave after that first half pint of lemonade like I had planned. But ya know how those nights when we planned bugger all always turned out to be the best, well this was a good example & I so wish you had been there - you would have had so much fun - it was just like the "old days" when we all got on & could just talk about anything & everything.
I'm not exactly sure how it was that J & I started talking somewhat privately, but it just sorted ended up that way at one point & we started off speaking about R & his recent inability to filter his mouth when at the pub & how he'd been pissing off some people, including both of us b/c it's embarrassing when he says something really off colour in mixed company! From there I think J got sight of this "beautiful blond American girl at the end of the bar" & we started talking about how it was so great that we're in a place now that we can openly talk about each others relationships & yet still remain such good friends. Now understand a few hours has passed I'm about to turn into a lemonade & J's had a few pints of San Miguel (so the honesty from his end is becoming more apparent). He went over to try to chat up the Californian & I turned back to speak with R & others.
After about 20 minutes I was trapped in a bear hug & felt someone breathing in my ear - for fear I might get a tongue in my ear I struggled a bit, until I heard what was being said, "how's my angel doing?"
HUH??
"you're my angel, don't you know that sweetheart"
NO, what do you mean?
Releasing me I turned to face him so we could talk more easily. Alcohol induced honesty starts to flow . . . I can't say verbatim what he said, but this is along the lines, "Rasputin, the hardest part about breaking up with you was that you're such a wonderful person & we were getting to be really good friends, our schedules just didn't work & you deserved more than I was going to be able or willing to give you. I've never known someone who could be so honest, friendly & loyal - those are the most important things to me ever since being a booty (that's what the marines call themselves during basic training) we were that way when we dated & amazingly we were able to keep it up after. I can honestly say, if you hadn't come back I don't know what I would have done without you."
I guess at this point my face sorta made some contorted look (not in a bad way just more confused - I sorta thought he felt this way, but he'd never said it outright & to hear it was almost weird.
He continued on, Yeah I know I never say this stuff, but you are truly important in my life, I have never had an ex girlfriend remain friends with me & don't even know of a girl who I've been this close with.
I was speechless & just gave him a huge smile, he blushed a bit & then immediately changed subjects to the movie JackAss2. Looking at my mobile it was about 11pm at this point & I was starting to feel like I should go home. The next round was mine & Tim (bartender) said "Rasputin you need a real drink by now" so I ordered a Corona. We stayed for 2 more rounds (3 Corona for me). Jim started to try to convince me to come back to his place, have a glass of wine & watch JackAss2 with them. I sorta thought about it & felt the best choice was to say yes so as not to argue but then when we get on the bus they'd forget & I could just get off at my stop (5 before theirs). Pub closed at midnight, we stayed till 12.30 (knowing the owner has it's benefits) then headed toward the bus, along the way J grabbed my hand & said, promise you'll spend the night - I just sorta smiled & got onto the bus. It was absolutely heaving full of people & so in typical J & R style they chatted with those around us. The trip home is about 45 minutes, but after about 25 most people get off & we were able to get some seats. My stop came & I tried to make my way to the door to get off but the boys were not keen to this, so I was held on the bus - to the horror of a little old couple watching it all go down & probably thought I was going to be gang-raped or something horrible like that.
We walked back to their place, all got into the living room - R was so drunk he stared to wash the dishes by hand & J grabbed the DVD & put it in his room - I said, how are we going to all watch it. He said, I can't be asked to open up the bed for you, just kip in my room. I turned & headed towards J's room - R said, "oh Jesus now I'm gonna be up all night". Much to R's dismay we did not keep him up by having sex all night long - we just chatted for a bit & then both fell asleep, woke up at 11.00 the next morning & watched JackAss2, before going to get breakfast with R. It was a bit weird to stay in his bed, but at the same time it just felt like normal. While I was brushing my teeth (with my finger & toothpaste) before we went for breakfast I over heard J say to R, noway, she wasn't drunk enough for me to try anything. I was giggling rather hard when I came out of the bathroom, he blushed - I smiled & said lets go. We went for breakfast & then I went back to mine for a shower & to get on with the rest of my day.
So that's the BIG story - I guess it's not super exciting for others really, no good sex stories, but I've been back over a month now & this was the first time that he & I had really sat down & chatted totally uninhibited & just like old times. It's just always nice to hear, ya know?
Okay I MUST get back to work now . . .

starting over

2007-03-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

So on Saturday I'm getting a chance to start over. I'm moving far away from M, not because of anything that has gone on, just for a really great job. I'm nervous about it, but I know it's the best thing for me & if I didn't have such a bad cold I'd be even more excited.

M & I have talked quite a bit (well for him it's a lot), in the past month since everything "blew up" and have come to a common ground. I think it is harder for me since he is already dating someone else & I'm not. It would have been hard to try to date someone in the month before I left, knowing that I would be moving so far away.

M & I love each other, but are not in love with each other. We will always have a very special place in our hearts for the other one. And with time my heartache will become less, I know, it's just been a long road.

I couldn't have made it without my friends, especially K! She always has just the right thing to say when you are feeling like the world is out to get you. I've said before that her mom was a brilliant lady with lots of wisdom to share & through emails these past few months with K, I've really missed seeing her smiling face, but I know she is up there looking down on all of us. Thanks Rowfully (nickname I use to call her) I miss & love you - you & your husband did a fantastic job raising your daughter, xxoo

baby steps

2007-02-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

I've had a rough 48 hours with lots of crying, anger, confusion & just overall feeling like crap, but I'm doing okay today.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have a wonderfully supportive biological family & what I will call my CT family who have endlessly listened as I probably repeated the same thing over & over again until I started to understand all that was going on.

Thanks again to all those who called and or listened to me!! Slowly one day at a time this is all going to work out . . . no regrets, just a few life bumps (as AI's mom use to tell me, aka learning experiences)

M and his friend "Meli"

2007-02-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

So after writing all this nice stuff about M yesterday, I had offered to help him set up a paperless billing with VW online, so I set up a user name for him & they said they were going to send a text message with the password, so when I got home last night after food shopping, M was in the shower & I just grabbed his phone (thinking nothing of it) and looked for the password txt message. To my surprise there were 4 messages from "Meli". I totally lost it. Who the hell is "Meli"? What is their relationship? Infamously a "What if" popped into my head, what if he is dating her & me at the same time?

First off I felt HORRIBLE about going into his phone without his permission, I was not trying to snoop, I just stupidly thought he wouldn't have any txt messages since his took the basic plan without txt messages, I just was trying to get the password, so I could set this all up without his help since he HATES this sort of stuff. (we've know each other for 2 years now & we talk about just about everything, or so I thought . . .)

While I have his phone in hand he walks into the bedroom to grab something & I sputter,
"did you get a txt today with a password?" and hand him the phone.
"Oh yeah, do you need it?"
"Yeah let me get a pen [fumbling around in my purse] I can't do this right now" and I head upstairs because I have heard the phone ring & am 90% sure it is my sister who's on her way over for dinner later. A hands me the phone & some of M's mail & I hastily head back down stairs to our bedroom.

I am shaking uncontrollably - my mind is racing so fast I don't have a clue what I'm even thinking (probably a lot of "what ifs") I quickly jot down, "Who is Meli I'm sorry I looked in your phone but I needed the password & I didn't know how to get it so I opened first message & saw message about you visiting this weekend, I can't even write right now" on a paper, toss it on the bed next to me & throw my face into my hands. The shower water stops, the door opens. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed still with my face in my hands & can barely even cry I am so lost. M sits next to me, rubs my back, "What do you want to say?"
"It's . . . on the . . . paper" He reads it, gets up & gets me a tissue since my nose is now running uncontrollably & I have a few tears welling up in my eyes.

The sequence of the next few events are jumbled but the bottom line is Meli is a girl he met a few months before I came home. He's visited her once before while I was home (weekend after Thanksgiving - after I told him about the pregnancy). And he's going to see her this weekend when he visits his parents. He didn't want to tell me b/c he thought I was going back to London & he's not sure where their relationship is going and he didn't want to stop it till I left. (originally I was only going to be home for a month)

He apologises for not telling me & admits that J knows but that A doesn't. He also tells me his parents know a little bit about her. I now feel like the town idiot. Everyone knew but me & everyone decided to lie about it for him. I'm hurt by this and amazingly not really upset with him. I almost feel relieved that he's dating other people b/c that was what we had agreed on, I guess I just didn't think it was going to be until after I was gone.

What if he's been sleeping with both of us
What if I'd not gone back to London - would he have told me then
What if I'd asked more specifically about other girls - I just assumed I was
What if he'd told me, would I have let "us" get this close again
What if I'd found out from someone else

So I'm not sure what else to say, there is a lot of confusion in my head & I'm not ready to hate him & give up on him, which probably complicates things even more. Obviously, M & I need to sit down, talk more about this, and hopefully come up with a solution that we are both happy with or at a minimum we can both live with.

All I know for sure right now is that I still love him & I know he still loves me because at 9.30am he called on his coffee break just to tell me that he loves me.

London-town

2007-02-01T14:25:00.001-05:00

So now that I've officially gotten the job in London-town, I'm starting my "what if" lifestyle again . . . .

what if I can't find a flatmate
what if I can't find a flat in my price range
what if I'm in over my head with this job
what if I loose M since I'll be gone for so long

I'm trying to stay focused & remember that I'm not going to loose all my friends (thanks K (aka AI) for that realization!) from the states. I just wish some times I could turn off my brain, I think at times it over analyses EVERYTHING, including the non-important stuff. At times I feel like I need to learn to take a joke better & not be so super sensitive. I know this might sound surprising to those of you who know me, but either a) as I get older I'm changing or b) I've always been this way & just can put up a good front.

Personally, I think it's a combo of both. M came home last night from soccer & found me asleep (must have fallen asleep while reading in bed.) He made the announcement that we were not going to be kissing anymore . . . WTF . . . his rational: "well since you're leaving we need to get use to not kissing so much" (my brain's translation: M is worried that he's getting too attached & is trying to distance himself slowly so that when I do leave he's not as hurt)

5 minutes later as he climbs into bed he asks for a goodnight kiss . . . WTF . . . you just said no more kissing . . . "that's not what I meant" . . . "you're going to have to explain because I don't understand" . . . to keep a rather long story short . . . I think that my brain's translation was correct - score one for me :)

I know this post so far as been a bit scatter brained, but I'm writing everything as it comes to me, I'm sorry if it's confusing, but I think it's helping me to sort it in my mind - hopefully!!

M is one of those people who I can tell anything & everything to. He makes me feel safe - I know that sounds weird, but for some reason I've been so darn independent for so long that at times I feel a bit lost & with just a wink or touch from him can ground me. On paper we have totally different lives & interests - at times I wonder how or why we ever got together in the first place, but then I recall how I feel when he's around & I just feel great.

My family is not the greatest of fans of M - I guess I can see their concern. He's had a rough up bringing & isn't the doctor or lawyer my dad would have chosen for me. BUT this is my life, not theirs & I have to do what makes me happy, right?!?!? Yes, we've all done something that we're not proud of & we've all made mistakes, some of us more than others, but nobody is perfect (well aside from me - LMAO)

I think one of the things I admire most about M is his honesty with me & his strength! He's the youngest of 4 (1 older sister & 2 older half brothers) his parents got divorced when he was 10. A year later his mom was diagnosed with cancer & had to undergo one of the first 100 bone marrow transplants in the country. Luckily she's survived, but she was in & out of hospitals for a long time & M was raised by his father & step-mom (aka the bitch - everyone calls her that now, so it must be true)

M so badly yearned for attention he would do just about anything, steal from friends & family, skip school, do drugs (pot, ecstasy, cocaine), run away, etc. He has had to deal with getting over an addition to cocaine which could have (& maybe almost did) kill him! I cannot imagine dealing with something like that & to be able to confide in me about all of this is amazing to me.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but he's not had the easiest of lives. Compared to my upbringing it sounds like the scariest of roller coasters (& we all know I can't even do the lil one at PlayLand!) It's just that these things worry me for a long term relationship, now it's been two years (with one of me away in London) & we've been able to remain on & off again - so I think that says something for how we feel about each other.

I know for a fact if I had not been going back to London I would have kept the baby & I'm 110% sure M would have supported me in that decision, it was just "horrible time" not that there is every a "perfect time" - I still "what if" over that a lot too these days . . . I think once I get to London & some of my worries are sorted & I have a job things will get easier - I HOPE!!

Okay, need to get other stuff done today - just needed to get out my "what ifs" for the day

The Break Up

2007-01-29T17:39:00.000-05:00

The fall was rough for me at college, I was exhausted with all my coursework & I was tired from all the weekend driving down to RI to visit C (I had my own car so I did a lot of driving.)

In October I remember a conversation where we discussed how I did not want to move to RI unless I had a really good job offer. I felt that if I had a good job offer somewhere else that C could move to there & finish school where ever we were. He was going for a B.S. in Physical Education, which I was 90% sure could be found in just about any state in the country. The conversation ended without much else said, but looking back at it I recall being really upset, but I'm not sure why - maybe that should have been a sign for me.

We had decided that Thanksgiving would be at my mom's new house in NY. I had a full week off so I went straight to my mom's when school let out. C was going to drive up Wednesday night after work. I vividly recall him phoning from Lee, MA & asking if I would meet him half way at a hotel because he was really tired. I thought about it but I didn't see the point of me driving down & then us both driving back to my mom's in 2 cars. A few hours later he arrived.

We had turkey day at my mom's with C, my sister, mom, mom's boyfriend & his son. That Friday we went to my mom's boyfriend's house to help him finish taring apart his bathroom so that C & him could re-do the plumbing on Saturday.

That night we were laying in bed talking before falling asleep when C said something along the lines of "taking a break" I burst into tears & I think I cried on & off for the next 2 days. Saturday morning I walked into the kitchen to find mom & my sis wondering why I'd been crying, I tried to deny it but my face was red & puffy from all the tears! That day C & mom's boyfriend fixed his bathroom. C slept on a spare mattress in my bedroom that night & I'm sure I cried most of the night again. I know somewhere along the way I asked "why" and the only answer I have ever gotten was, "you still have a lot of stuff about your parents divorce that you need to deal with before we could ever get married".

There are many "what ifs" I could start to list, but in trying not to rehash a rather old subject, which still is painful at times I'll just list a quick few:

what if I had offered to move to RI after graduation
what if I had gone to visit more during the fall
what if my parents hadn't gotten divorced
what if my dad wasn't gay

Summer of 2000

2007-01-29T17:34:00.000-05:00

My sister & I "moved" to RI the summer after C & I got engaged because our parents were in the middle of a divorce & we wanted nothing to do with that!!

I worked at a horse farm, C worked in a daycare center, P worked at a country club as a waitress. C & I lived in his great-grandmother's house, fixing it up a tid bit so the family could sell it in the fall. P lived with C's parents in C's room.

Everything seemed to be going well - which had been a worry since neither of us had lived together when not at college. We hosted a 4th of July party for all of his family & friends since we were living in Bristol, home of the oldest 4th of July parade in the country (or so they told me).

At the end of the summer I left RI for my final year of college in VT. C stayed in RI continuing to work at the daycare center & doing his military time for the national guard.

Engagement

2007-01-29T17:19:00.000-05:00

C & I spent our junior year spring break driving south with the main objective of the vacation being spontaneous & just sort of stop when we felt like it. We left NY and made it all the way down to Whitehall, MD to have a visit with my friend E & her boyfriend. After a few hours we were getting tired so we decided to head towards Baltimore & find a hotel.

What we didn't anticipate was the National Epidemiologist Conference being held in Baltimore, so we drove around from hotel to hotel looking for a single room to no avail. About an hour later we arrived in Washington, DC & finally were able to find a room! We were so exhausted, we crashed before even getting our PJs on. The next morning we went sight seeing to all the hot spots before driving to Virginia for the night. From there we headed back to DC for a bit more of the touristy stuff & then slowly making our way back up north to his parents house in Rhode Island.

On the Sunday morning before I was heading back up to college in Vermont, C was on the phone for a long time & his parents had gone to visit relatives, so I was sitting in the kitchen watching tv. I finally yelled up the stairs that I was going to head out since I still had a 4 hour drive ahead of me & didn't want to be arriving in my dorm at midnight. I went upstairs to use the bathroom before packing my bags in the car.

This next part is all sorta fuzzy in my mind, but somewhere during this time I had my back to C & when I turned around I thought he'd disappeared, but to my surprise he was down on his knee asking me to marry him. Totally OVERWHELMED with surprise I started to cry & some how got, "yes" out while giving him a huge hug. Then we had to call our families.

I will never forget driving down his street staring at my left hand & just getting butterflies in my tummy. After a long drive of which I don't recall a thing, I was in my dorm room showing off my diamond to my roommate, KW & her boyfriend, MV. They were so excited for me, we hardly got any sleep that night.

C and I meet

2007-01-12T12:12:00.000-05:00

So if you've read my "whos who" post you would have seen that I have an ex-fiancee named C. Now some of you might be wondering how old I am to have an ex-fiancee & those of you a bit nosier want to know where & when we met, how long did we date, and why did we ever broke up, so here goes the details of us meeting . . . (stay tuned for the other posts)

C & I met in September of 1997, when I was starting my second year of college, but at a new school because I had transferred. We were both in Biology 101 with Dr H every Mon, Wed, Fri from 9-10am. I recall the first time I saw him, I was already sitting in my seat (being the geek that I am I was early). I was watching all the kids as they came into class. In strolled these two really hot guy in BDUs (army fatigues). It looked to me like they were checking out everyone who was sitting down already & when C glanced in my direction I thought he was smiling, though maybe that was just me wishing he would. They walked across the lecutre hall & sat on the opposite side from me, but at about the same level up. I remember pulling on the sleeve of the girl sitting next to me & asking if she knew who he was. It was obvious from his uniform he was a sophmore, but that didn't really help me. I would need to some how find out what his name was, easier than you think, since his last name was on his uniform, but when was I ever going to walk to that side of the room? A few days when by, I only ever saw him in class & I didn't notice him looking around the room anymore so I sorta gave up hope.

I needed a job on campus & one night wandered down to the Admissions office to the phone bank, to see if they had any openings. As luck would have it C & his hot roommate (TK) where already working there. The director gave me a job & found me a seat next to TK. The director had done it stratigically b/c you needed to mix the military & civilian along with male & females in case the person you called had a question you were not able to answer, you could swap phones for a minute or two. The job wasn't great but it paid well considering what we were doing & what could be better than sitting next to two hot guys?!?!?

A week or so went by & I noted that C&TK typically left at 9pm, so around 8.50pm one night I start to flip the papers around & look like I was going to head out. The director came over and asked what I was doing - I explained that I thought I was going to be leaving around 9pm. She sort of giggled & said, I need to talk to you before you leave. TK nudged my arm & said "Now you're in trouble." Worried I was getting fired I stayed on the phone until my normal leaving time of 9.15pm & then slowly found my way to the director's office down the hallway.

Once in the office the director asked if I had a boyfriend. I was totally thrown off guard sort of sputtered for a moment & then sadly admitted I didn't. "Are you looking?" she asked. I replied I wasn't actively looking but if someone asked me on a date I would consider it. She then explained to me that she was trying to hook some of the guys up with nice girls so they would have dates for the upcoming Regimental Ball. Inside my heart was pounding. She asked if there were any guys who I thought I'd be interested in. I'm sure my face turned red & I know I mumbled something like, yeah a few. Realising this approach was not going to work she blurted out that she thought C & TK were really sweet. With a smile grinning from ear to ear, I totally agreed with her! She said I could leave & she'd have a chat with some of the boys.

Understanably, I was very nervous to be heading back to work, since there was a possibility that the director had told C & TK that I thought they were hot. Luckily the next few nights of work went off without a hitch & that Friday night I was sure to get ready to leave by 9pm & walked out a few seconds behind the boys. Looking back they must have known b/c for no good reason at all they were milling around outside the front door as I opended it. I said a quick goodnight, half under my breath, worried they didn't want to be associating with the likes of me. When C piped up, "which dorm are you in?" After my reply, he said, oh we'll walk with you, we live right next door. Them esxourting me back to my dorm went on for a few days. By now there was snow on the ground so I'm guessing it was about early November. One Thursday night, as we were walking past one of the dorms which happen to have a HUGE hill next to it the boys had been running in circles, joking & throwing snow balls at eachother when all of the sudden C grabbed me & threw me down the hill. I was totally unaware this was going to happen, but my instinct was to grab him & not let go so that maybe I wouldn't go. Much to my dismay, it didn't work, we both ended up tumbling down the snowy hill. I had heard TK laughing hysterically as we slowed to a stop but by the time I looked up at him, he'd run away. C helped me up & appologized, it had been a bet for a few nights & he hoped I hadn't minded. At first I was pissed off cause I was cold & had plans to go out that night, but as we stood there alone together I felt a warm fuzzy feeling take over my body. We exchanged numbers & then didn't see eachother for a few days at all. I figured he'd won the bet & was done with me.

I returned home after lab one Friday afternoon to see a note from my roommate, JC, which said, "C called, wants you to call him back at ####. WHO is this boy, is he the hotty from bio class?????" I returned his phone call asap. He had called to ask me to the regi ball, but since it wasn't a date I had saved on my calendar, I had friends coming from outta town that night & wouldn't be able to go. I was uber bummed! Knowing that my roommate was gone for the weekend, I offered that he could come over & watch a movie in my room if he wanted. (I knew I was not allowed in his dorm since it was military.) He agreed & we ended up watched tv & movies in between all of our meals for the entire weekend. (We could not eat meals together, again a military thing.) From that moment on we probably spent every free moment we had, together.

At the end of the semester he announced that he might not be coming back due to money issues (understandable as this private college was NOT cheap!) I was really upset, but knew I couldn't do much about it. I will never forget the night before he left, we were all standing out on the parade field in front of his dorm & one of his rook buddies came over to gave me a big hug and tell me she was so sad to see him go since she hadn't seen him this happy in the 1.5 years she'd known him. We exchanged contact details, but in my heart I figured it was just one of those things you were suppose to do even if you had no intension of staying in touch.

I went back home 2 days later, excited to be home with my family for Christmas and still thinking about C every once in awhile - he called once in the first week I was home. One afternoon my mom called me up to the kitchen saying something about getting a delivery. I figured it was an early Christmas present from my god-mother. To my surprise it was 3 red roses in a clear vase with a note that said, "just wanted to say hi" - no name attached or anything. We asked the delivery service & they said they are not allowed to give out that info. Not knowing anyone else who could have sent me flowers I called C immediately. Before I even had to ask, he said "did they arrive?" My heart melted. He also told me that he'd been able to borrow money from his grandfather and would be returning in January. I'd never been so excited for a vacation to end in my life (I doubt I ever will again either.)

The first few weeks of the spring semester were just like the end of the fall - every waking moment we had we were together - studying, watching movies, and talking. On my birthday (25 Jan) we were talking about "us" since we'd never really put a label on what we were. You know I was asking questions like, "What if my friends want to know who you are? Do I say, just a friend from phone bank or can I say my boyfriend?" He responded with, "Did you just ask me out?" To which I replied, "yeah I guess so, will you be my boyfriend?" So on 25 January 1998, C and I officially started dating.

WOW that was just about 9 years ago, geez time flies, even if it's not all fun - LOL.

the what ifs of my new job

2007-01-11T10:50:00.000-05:00

I was offered what I think is my dream job yesterday (for $6,000/year more than I was expecting) and I so of course I accepted. About an hour later as it was slowly sinking in I started to worry, ya know the "what if" sort of questions I'm famous for started to popped in and out of my head:

What if I don't like living in London as much as I thought I would
What if I really loose my friends from the US since I'll be gone for 2-3 years not just a few months like last time
What if the pay isn't really enough to live on since L'town is uber expensive
What if I can't afford a flat on my own
What if the job isn't my "dream job" and I don't like it
What if I can't find someone to live with
What if my mom or dad becomes ill - I'll be really far away
What if I can't sell my car before I go
What if my suitcase is too heavy for the plane and I have to leave stuff behind
What if I become ill and have nobody to take care of me

I'm much calmer now about all these "what ifs" mainly due to the fact that I had a cocktail after dinner while watching the UConn basketball game with J. He and I ended up getting really into the game so I wasn't thinking about anything else. Poor A thought she was loosing me to the world of sports when she walked into the living room and all she could see was J and me glued to the telly by candle light (the lights were reflecting in the tv screen.

It was bitter sweet when M got home and I told him. He was excited that I'd finally gotten the job, but knew this meant officially I was going to be leaving. After giving me a hug he said, "I guess this means the count down begins." We didn't talk about it much more as he had a soccer game and needed to shower, eat dinner before get on the road.

This job offer being official did help ease the worrying I'd been doing about if M and my's decision not to have Rifkin right now was the right one. Not that I'm proud of what I did, but it's part of who I am and I can never deny or forget it. BUT for now I know in my heart of hearts now was not the time to try to be pregnant, move to a foreign country, raise a child as a single partent because his father would be 3,000+ miles away for the first 2-3 years.

Who's Who in the world of What If

2007-01-09T14:22:00.000-05:00

Since these are my personal feelings & views on life, I don't want to give names or actual locations, but here is a mini guide to who's who in my blog, I know it can get confusing!!

M = my on & off again boyfriend from the US
J = my ex-boyfriend from the UK, but we're still stuper close
R = J's best mate, we're super close as well
L = my old flatmate & unimate from London
A & J = friend's of M's who I am currently living with while b/w school & a job
K = bestest friend I've known since 3rd grade
P = my sis
C = my ex-fiancee, we don't keep in touch that much
MT = C's older brother, we're pretty close
MomT & DadT = C's parents, we're still close
SM, ES, PL, KM = friends from my last job in NY

Please drop me a comment if I've posted a name without an explanation, I think I've got them all

What if . . .

2007-01-08T15:15:00.001-05:00

you woke up one morning & just couldn't stop crying?

you were told you had 6 months to live?

you suddenly found out you were pregnant?

what if you lost everything in a fire?

There are the sorts of things that pop into my head along with thousands of other what if type questions pertaining to my daily life. This blog is being started so that I can get my thoughts & feeling out of my head to try to help me sort it all out. Please feel free to comment, I want to know how others see my thoughts & feelings, maybe it will help me figure out what I am dealing with.

A wee bit about me

2007-01-07T15:17:00.000-05:00

In more detail, should you care to keep reading, I’m an educated, under-appreciated, single woman who finds herself asking “how exactly did I get here?” too often. Trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up when I’ve already got an MSc and am nearly 30 years old is a bit bewildering - you’ve just gotta laugh, if not you run the risk of your head exploding.

We'll start with the negative first, since it's always a good idea to end on a positive note, my turn-offs (in no particular order): Stupidity, indifference, rudeness, bad table manners, dishonesty, being cold, having to paying full price, slow drivers, and sandals worn with socks - hello, who ever thought that was a good style!

On the plus said some of my turn-ons are: A really good book, being right, quiet evening, bubble baths, being told I’m pretty, bargains -even on items I didn't intend on buying, a nice new outfit, clean sheets, kissing, herbal tea, worthy causes, and returning to my flat after a long day at work to find someone has made a homecooked meal for me.